But he doesn't have HBO!!

This has been a week full if sickies and misfortunes. It all started when I said, "I hope it's NOT something going around.." and so now begins the ramblings of a sick mind.... And I mean sick like... Sinus cold... Pain that feels like God is pressing his fingers on your cheeks and pushing whilst laughing like a maniac, not like, Human Centepede sick mind.

I got up nice and early with Ian today. I had a good sleep last night so it felt really good. I went home and he went to work. I tried to relax for a few hours before I had to go in at three. Watched some FEAR (fuck everything and run). Bitches were killed. It was good. I liked.
Used a whole box of tissue and tried my best to look good...
I get to work and they send me home. To be honey, I was glad. So glad. And since I made the trip to the mall where I work, I decided to sit down and have a tea..... That was at three..... It's five now..... I have not moved. I called my mum, so at least my "tea time" was somewhat productive to me.... But still.... Fuck. I have no energy. No appetite. Nothing but chills and pain and a longing for FEAR.

This....... Uh.. Sucks. And dear lady. Get your fucking bratty kid away from me or I'll unleash some germ warfare.... Don't test me lady.... I have a snotty sneeze ready... if he crosses No Mans Land once more...
....
You know how it'll end..

Hey reader, do you ever get th the point in your hour, day or whatever when you're listening to your iPod but you're so distracted that you have no fucking idea what you're listening to anymore? It started with your favourite song and an hour later you're like "what the fuck... When did it finish?"
that's where I am right now... Other than the starbucks in chapters.... Ian is coming to save me.. He's bringing the magic pills Gwen brought me the otherday. When I was doped on them, I apparently told Ian that "I want a kitten because Im fuzzy and kittens are kittens and we would match."

that's me, dear reader. 100% Athina right thuurrrrrrr. Fuck I need to not be in the chair anymore.... Help me Jesus!!!!


...... I wan F3AR. how does one say that..... F-three-ARrrrr....? Maybe.....? Ian is here.... He bought the Avatar the Last Airbender game

Ohai.

Just a few thoughts. I would like more metal in my face, but then again no. I want to dye my hair again and ohmigod I have to make a Harry Potter costume.
I want to see how much I can make myself look like a dude. Excited.

Also, Cars 2. Awesome. Go see it when it comes out.

Two A.M and my wisdoms are killing my face with their awesome...

So what else should I do other than blog about nothing at all? I don't mind... I hope you don't mind, reader, but I can't sleep with the throbbing and aching that feels like I've been punched in the jaw. And no, they don't have to be pulled, but they still hurt like a mother.
So... Two AM and Vivaldi in my ears.... What to write here.... How about one oftje useless things that I used to do in middle school. The random list of information about ME!!!!! just fun facts..... I'm in pain and need to be up at seven, humour me.
*sigh* here goes....

1. I once was a cheerleader. I don't speak of it.
2. I once was very flexible, then high school happened and shit changed..
3. I was quite the dancer for years.
4. I miss tomatoes....
5. I have lost a lot of friends to death. It sucks..
6. I eat a lot of ramen.... You don't even know.
7. I started collecting anime when I was five. I gained my begining stuff from my oldest brother.
8. My brother roughy me to draw.
9. My family is very important to me. I have a great connection with my parents that I worked hard to maintain.
10. I live with my brother. We are pretty stellar.
11. I can roll my Tongue into a three leaf clover.
12. I can play the flute.
13. I have size 4 1/2 - 5 feet but because we are not in Japan, I have to wear 6-7 and insoles. Do not want
14. I find odd things beautiful.
15. Spiders and bats = yes please
16. I have four tattoos and seven piercings.
17. I think stockings and boots are wondeful.
18. Ebola is great.
19. Zombie movies make me hungry.
20. I have double jointed thumbs.
21. I hate bathrooms.
22. Centepedies fuck me up
23. Avacado looks like bug guts and is nasty.
24. Unsweetened iced tea is prime.
25. I have a kitten named Optimus Prime.
26. I can't stand younger people. I just tollerate them.
27. I have a over bite.
28. Full lips are sexy lips.
29. Big thighs make me happy.
30. I have a fish named Sushi who has been my favourite since 2004
31. I kill people in my head and that's what I'm usuallydaydreaming about.
32. I have a very high tollerence to embarrassment and will do just about anyhing to get a laugh out of people.
33. I say absolutely ridiculous thing like, "I wanna kill them in the head" and "tell him to go blow a dick or something"
34. I have a horrible habbit for mishearing things.
35. My bitch mode is my defense mode. Deal.
36. I like crying. It's good for you!
37. I'm a rather sickly girl but I deal with it.
38. Needles make me sad(blood tests and shots)
40. I have nightmares often.
41. I love school.
42. I don't have a problem with authority.
43. Rain is my friend.
44. I wish to someday possess the awesome of David Bowie and get away with wearing silver leggings an have it be cool.
45. Octopus= <3 can has?
46. I live for oddities.
47. I once had a sparrow in my room. No lie.
48. I was a creepy child and I love it.
49. I collected ceramic dolls, wooden boxes that smelled of sage and music boxes. My friends
hated my room =[
50. Im not a fan of being out in the sun for too long. Rainy days and candles please.


Annnnd that is all for now folks. The advil is kicking in and I'm falling asleeeeeeeeep
ZzzzzZzzzzzzzzzz

Oh you...

Dear Star Wars;
It has been far too long since you were last present in my life and that is something that needs to be changed. You first wooed me at the tender age of four with the chicken walkers (AT ST, stfu, they will always be 'chicken walkers' to me) an I would be so excited to see them stomping through the forest like no bodies business. It was love at first watch.
Then, many years later, duringing a wonderful time of my life, you came back to me with a beautiful Scotish face and my first MAN crush (as in, he had hair where the other boys didn't) and once more, my heart was pulled. Kid Ani made me want to kill babies though... Just FYI. Also introduced was the lovely face of the beautiful Jewish child Queen. Ahhhh Natalie Portman is indeed a lovely lady(Black Swan, anyone?)

And years later, during the most AMAZING time of my childhood, you came back. Just like boomerang!! With you, you brought the familiar loves of my life and an extra sexy man(like, Haru sexy... So sexy) and it made my heart soar.
Combined with The Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter and Moulin Rouge, you helped make my world. The beautiful settings, the flowing gowns, curly hair and romantic picnics accompanied by angelic harps and violins. The love of Ani and Padme was so sickening, how could you expect a 12 yearold heart to hate it? So perfect yet..... SO WRONG(dramatic face) it was impossible for me to keep away! You ensnared me, you crafty thing!! Oh, how my heart pounds just thinking of it. *instert content sigh here*

Then.... Something happened.... Something horrible.. and it changed me for life because me eyes had seen things.... Things of terrible script and This....

"Anakin... You're breaking my heart!" (must be said in whinny voice)
and all I could say to that, my love, was "Oh my God, what is it and why?!"
WHY, MY LOVE, WHHHHHHHHHHY!!!!!!????!!?!?!?????!!!?

From this

"ahhhhh, decent romance...."

to this horrible excuse for

angst...

it hurt me so, but I am willing to put that mistake in the past, I'm willing I let it go and and I think it's time you came home. I think it's time for you to come back into my life and nestle deep within my heart, take me back to my childhood.... Because I miss you.... So much... so come home, you and all the episodes (except Episode 3) we will sit together and I will watch you play lovely stories for me on someones television. I will be happy and my soul complete.
We shall be together again.
I eagerly await your reply...

Much love,
Athina.

Where is my mind..

It's been raining. A lot. I love it. 

Last night, I took off for a "short" walk, but it wasn't very short at all. I just kept going and going, with no idea of where I was heading. I found a park and sat of the swings for a while, thinking it would probably help me calm down, it didn't. =/

So, I moved over to the slide and sat on top of it.  I tried meditating, and it worked. For the first time in months I was able to relax and just be. I was able to think and listen and feel. Then something dawned on me.

This past monday was the one year anniversary of my Grandmothers death.

I didn't take a minute to stop and think about her, because I didn't have a minute to spare. Does that make me a horrible person?

I couldn't find a moment in my life to spare for a thought of her until a day after. Maybe I'm over reacting about it, but it still bothered me some.

While meditating,I thought hard of things that used to relax me. Thought about my old house and the rain. I loved that house. 

I loved the way I could sit on the stoop and write while the rain fell. The way the earth and wet pollen smelled as it soaked up the moisture. The way the spider lilies and pansies looked in the morning sun and how the robins would sing. Even the spiders that would weave their intricate webs in between and dowels of the stair railing. 

I miss the sound of the rain. Most of all. I can't hear it in the apartment. All I hear coming through my open window now are the drunken shouts of the night life, the traffic and the trains.

The trains have almost become soothing for me, but nothing beats the rain. I can't smell it either.

Can't feel it. It's like it's no longer there when I am. It's there then it's gone the moment I there.

I try to hear it and feel it. I leave my window open all the time with false hopes that maybe I won't miss it. Sometimes, if I know there is going to be rain, I'll lay on my bed and wait for it, but still, nothing really happens. 

It's very strange that something so small and silly can effect me so much. I miss it, so much. It makes me so sad. Like I don't belong. Why can't it rain all the time? Why can't there always be water everywhere?

That would make me very happy, but for now, I'll just close my eyes and listening to everything and hear nothing. 

Meditating makes everything and anything seem real.

Another random thought, I can't decide which I like more, the sound of rain or the sound of his breathing.

Spring is an odd time.

And the tired mind says...

TRA LA LA!

Indeed, this is a tired mind.  (T-T) Do not want!

So! The past few days have been.... days.... Life doesn't suck so much anymore and it's raining A LOT! OH BOY!
.... it makes me happy. Another thing that makes me happy is this...
My mum is not anywhere near me at the moment, in fact, she's about 4 hours away from me and that made me a little sad on mother's day, but, I did get to spend it with Ian and his family and it made me very happy (^w^)
We had dinner on Sunday evening and then again on Monday.. it was Chinese.. it was wonderful.

It's nice dating someone who has a mother who is nice to me. Is that odd?
Huh, no idea.
BUT I LIKE IT!
Thanks Sue *chuuu*

Also, did you know that freight trains have bells? I didn't. I nearly had a fit. T'was odd.....
... Ding ding. Ding ding.

Spending time with Sue has made me miss my mum... I hope she isn't lonely with Daddy gone... =/
I guess she's fine with like 20 cats and 4 horses around.
.... Crazy lady <3

And ya know what reader, I'm going to peace off now. My heart isn't in this and I'm hella beat.
Hahaha,
Imma let you go but first just let me say, that looking at pictures of ugly people makes me happy a little bit.
Muahahahahaha
.... oh noes.... Ian has found me.... I'M DOOOOOOOMED! SAVE ME READER!!! ARRRRRRUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHA!
..
...... G'night.

Yameru

..... Hajimeru.

Just under a year ago, my grandmother died. It's one of those days, ya know, the ones you can never forget. I remember crying so hard for about five minutes and Alyshia holding me against the baby bump. Nothing was said, but them again, I don't think much can be said at a moment like that.
The strange thing was, after crying the first time, I didn't cry at all.
It was like after that five minutes, I wasn't allowed to show any sign of weakness or emotion.
I smiled. Only smile. I was so comforted by Tyler and Alyshia, and I wanted I be able to do that for myself. So when Tony died, I was there, the way they were, but when Quentin died, I couldn't.
It was strange. I always think I'm stronger than I really am.

I took down the shrine, because I was so sure that it ha been long enough. It's okay, the pain is gone, ya know. Then I came home from a shit shift today, restless and angry at everything and myself, and when I looked over and didn't see the familiar set up, I felt myself crack.

Yameru!

It's stilly To be upset over suck a trivial thing, isn't is?

Hajimeru.

It is. But it's then I realized that, I wasn't ready. Seeing the ahrine everyday was inerhin that always calmed me and I didn't even really realize it.

I remember a few weeks after she dies, I was on the porch, thinking, smoking and texting Tyler when a thought came into my mind. What if one day, I just forgot about her? Suddenly, the afterlife didn't seem enough if when I got there, I didn't remember her or anyone else I had lost.

It was that night that I set up the shrine and started to kneel everyday and talk to her. It felt silly at first but I felt like I still had something there. I don't know...

Everyone has pain in their lives, hardships, I guess. Lost a lot. Some have messed up family situations. Parents that don't parent. Parents that over parent. Drug addictions. Things like that. I'm lucky enough to say that I've never really had any of those. Parents and I had our rough points but they always came threw. Addictions weren't anything too life threatening, but I have lost a lot. I've had freinds murdered, family die, people leave and it's hurts.

I guess that's why simple things like photographs and traditional Shinto shrines mean so much to me. I don't want to lose what little I still have.

I still have pictures of Anzai that he sent me and I still look at them and tear up. I'll still get misty when I hear songs that Ziggy and I used to sing in the park. That was over ten years ago.
Am I actually bringing myself down by trying to keep their memories alive? Is this good for me?
Sometimes I have nightmares that I'm losing family or Hachi dies. When I wake up, I think about what I'd do if I did lose Hachi or Kory. I don't want to think about it, but I do.
What memories would I keep for them?
Sometimes, I think about things I may have dine to upset the peole I've lost. Sometimes I'll feel like the most horrible human for no reason and I feel like I did some wring towards them.
Again, I dint know. Remember that "crying" I mentioned a few posts ago? An how it'll just happen after a shitty week or in my case past few months? I hate to say it, but this is it. All triggered because our store doesn't accept American money and grandma Suzzie's shrine wasn't there anymore.


Hai.
Iie.
...nani?
Wakarimasen!!
Mou ichido ette, kudosai...
Watashi wa samui
Juubun! Watashi wa tsukaremashita.
Owari