..... Hajimeru.
Just under a year ago, my grandmother died. It's one of those days, ya know, the ones you can never forget. I remember crying so hard for about five minutes and Alyshia holding me against the baby bump. Nothing was said, but them again, I don't think much can be said at a moment like that.
The strange thing was, after crying the first time, I didn't cry at all.
It was like after that five minutes, I wasn't allowed to show any sign of weakness or emotion.
I smiled. Only smile. I was so comforted by Tyler and Alyshia, and I wanted I be able to do that for myself. So when Tony died, I was there, the way they were, but when Quentin died, I couldn't.
It was strange. I always think I'm stronger than I really am.
I took down the shrine, because I was so sure that it ha been long enough. It's okay, the pain is gone, ya know. Then I came home from a shit shift today, restless and angry at everything and myself, and when I looked over and didn't see the familiar set up, I felt myself crack.
Yameru!
It's stilly To be upset over suck a trivial thing, isn't is?
Hajimeru.
It is. But it's then I realized that, I wasn't ready. Seeing the ahrine everyday was inerhin that always calmed me and I didn't even really realize it.
I remember a few weeks after she dies, I was on the porch, thinking, smoking and texting Tyler when a thought came into my mind. What if one day, I just forgot about her? Suddenly, the afterlife didn't seem enough if when I got there, I didn't remember her or anyone else I had lost.
It was that night that I set up the shrine and started to kneel everyday and talk to her. It felt silly at first but I felt like I still had something there. I don't know...
Everyone has pain in their lives, hardships, I guess. Lost a lot. Some have messed up family situations. Parents that don't parent. Parents that over parent. Drug addictions. Things like that. I'm lucky enough to say that I've never really had any of those. Parents and I had our rough points but they always came threw. Addictions weren't anything too life threatening, but I have lost a lot. I've had freinds murdered, family die, people leave and it's hurts.
I guess that's why simple things like photographs and traditional Shinto shrines mean so much to me. I don't want to lose what little I still have.
I still have pictures of Anzai that he sent me and I still look at them and tear up. I'll still get misty when I hear songs that Ziggy and I used to sing in the park. That was over ten years ago.
Am I actually bringing myself down by trying to keep their memories alive? Is this good for me?
Sometimes I have nightmares that I'm losing family or Hachi dies. When I wake up, I think about what I'd do if I did lose Hachi or Kory. I don't want to think about it, but I do.
What memories would I keep for them?
Sometimes, I think about things I may have dine to upset the peole I've lost. Sometimes I'll feel like the most horrible human for no reason and I feel like I did some wring towards them.
Again, I dint know. Remember that "crying" I mentioned a few posts ago? An how it'll just happen after a shitty week or in my case past few months? I hate to say it, but this is it. All triggered because our store doesn't accept American money and grandma Suzzie's shrine wasn't there anymore.
Hai.
Iie.
...nani?
Wakarimasen!!
Mou ichido ette, kudosai...
Watashi wa samui
Juubun! Watashi wa tsukaremashita.
Owari
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
Monday, 2 May 2011
Are you fake...?
I'm pleased to say that I'm not.
And when I say fake, I don't mean with orange tans, wearing shorts with uggs and all that jazz, I'm talking about the girls (and guys) that used to beat on me when I was younger.
First three years of primary school, I didn't have many friends, and this is why, I liked Doctor Who and Star Trek and video games and allllll that jazz.
Year after year I was picked on, yelled at, hit, and just brought down by people and their negativity, all because of what I liked compared too what they liked. And I'm sorry, but when you have to put up with that shit from the tender age of 6, a grudge is formed and it kinda sticks with you, ya know?
The strange thing is that the grudge isn't against the fact that these people bullied me for YEARS because of this, it's against the face the 6-10 years later, they all of a sudden are Doctor fans and they can't get enough of taking picture of them in red shirts to post on their Facebook in the typical "emo stance".
That is what pisses me off the most.
I also do get a kick out of it, though. I love looking at people like this and slipping in lines like, "Kirk needs a shirt to rip..", "Quick, get a "Red Shirt" down there.." or "Would you like a Jelly Baby...?" Because they are the first ones to look at me with a stupid face and say "....What?"
...it's even better when I see them at a convention and I pull that.
OH YAH!
I like to make them look stupid when I can, whatever, it's mean I guess, but so is slamming a girls head into a wall or pushing her over whilst saying, "You're so dumb, Athina.
You'll never have any friends."
And heres something else, they were one the ones who seek me out to have "nerd outs"
Wait, what?
Is it just mean, or does that make NO sense whatsoever?
These people make me sick and sometimes I wish they would get hit by a car or run over by an ox on fire or something along those lines.
I'm proud to say that I was beat on for liking what I do and not stepping down from it. I'm proud to be called the "Zelda Master" and to have a ridiculous nic-name like "Poe-Ghost". I'm proud to say that Tom Baker will always have a place higher in my heart than Tennant, because it's what made me into what I am today, and I love saying "Athina cast Esuna. All abnormal status' restored to normal" and having my other friends say, "Wow, you're a nerd."
I'm please to say that I'm not fake.... I'm me <3
And when I say fake, I don't mean with orange tans, wearing shorts with uggs and all that jazz, I'm talking about the girls (and guys) that used to beat on me when I was younger.
First three years of primary school, I didn't have many friends, and this is why, I liked Doctor Who and Star Trek and video games and allllll that jazz.
Year after year I was picked on, yelled at, hit, and just brought down by people and their negativity, all because of what I liked compared too what they liked. And I'm sorry, but when you have to put up with that shit from the tender age of 6, a grudge is formed and it kinda sticks with you, ya know?
The strange thing is that the grudge isn't against the fact that these people bullied me for YEARS because of this, it's against the face the 6-10 years later, they all of a sudden are Doctor fans and they can't get enough of taking picture of them in red shirts to post on their Facebook in the typical "emo stance".
That is what pisses me off the most.
I also do get a kick out of it, though. I love looking at people like this and slipping in lines like, "Kirk needs a shirt to rip..", "Quick, get a "Red Shirt" down there.." or "Would you like a Jelly Baby...?" Because they are the first ones to look at me with a stupid face and say "....What?"
...it's even better when I see them at a convention and I pull that.
OH YAH!
I like to make them look stupid when I can, whatever, it's mean I guess, but so is slamming a girls head into a wall or pushing her over whilst saying, "You're so dumb, Athina.
You'll never have any friends."
And heres something else, they were one the ones who seek me out to have "nerd outs"
Wait, what?
Is it just mean, or does that make NO sense whatsoever?
These people make me sick and sometimes I wish they would get hit by a car or run over by an ox on fire or something along those lines.
I'm proud to say that I was beat on for liking what I do and not stepping down from it. I'm proud to be called the "Zelda Master" and to have a ridiculous nic-name like "Poe-Ghost". I'm proud to say that Tom Baker will always have a place higher in my heart than Tennant, because it's what made me into what I am today, and I love saying "Athina cast Esuna. All abnormal status' restored to normal" and having my other friends say, "Wow, you're a nerd."
I'm please to say that I'm not fake.... I'm me <3
Here is a Mirror
Behind there is a screen.
...and a ridiculous amount of sleep deprived spelling errors that ipod spell check fucking fails at fixing. One more thing to add to my disgust. Fuck. And with that said...
Hello readers. How have you all been? Good and well I do hope. Experiencing great things. Having good laughs.
To be honest, I haven't had many good laughs. No playful giggles or true smiles, but what I have had are nightmares, sickness and a deep loathing towards humanity.
Life this week had been uneventful, stressful, depressing and all around, a disgusting waste of time.
Usually after a week of this, people cry. They yell, they find anyway to let go so that they can feel better.
I used to fit in there. I don't now. Am I strange? Why should I cry and get overly angry? After tears are shed and my voice is raw, it's just all going to happen all over again. No matter what I do, I will have the world that disgusts me thrown in my face. Over and over.
So what's the point.
I see things differently, it's what I've always done. It's who I am. And the side ling glances from co workers and the snide remarks may start to et to me but they will change nothing. It's what I am, get the fuck used to it. Don't judge me.
But, then again, it's human nature to judge or fear what we don't understand. I make perfect sense to myself, but to others, I make about as much sense as a sea nymph high on acid.
Can't they try? Can't their first glances be void of all judgement?
When first meet someone, I give them a few chances. First chance, I carry no emotion towards them. Why should I? I don't know them. And as those chances go by, one by one, I start to develop an opinion of them.
That's one way I work. That the "social" me. That's the part of me that comes out when I WANT to try, usually used for co workers, friends of friends... Ya know. Other than that, I don't care either way. No good or bad. Just nothing. I don't know you. Nor do I care.
I'm strange.
Humans are disgusting.
So maybe now it's time to tell you all about one nightmare I keep having.
I'm in a hall. It's long, dark and smells of old wood and rotting carpet. The only light is streaming through a door that is open a crack in front of me. I walk to to the door and stop when the tips of my toes are barely in the light. When I push the door open I see there is a large room with a fire place. The fire is going but the room is still fairly dark and infront of the fire there is an old looking chair.
And sitting the chair there is a girl.
I cannot see her face.
She begins to talk to me, asking questions. Basic questions that really have no importance to anything at all. Her hands start to cover her abdomin and her questions stop. We are in silence for a while before she lifts her hands to eye level, as if she's inspecting them. She says. "look." an holds them out for me to see. I move a bit closer to her and look at her hands.
"Theres nothing there..." I say, but she doesn't lower them.
"Look. Look and see."
I look down again and this time I see that her hands are covered in blood.
When I look back up, I can see her face now. There isn't much of one though. Her eyes are gone and what looks like coagulating blood is dripping down a hollowed face and on to chapped lips.
She opens her mouth to speak. I see sharp teeth in a bed of black gums and she screams, "They never told me!"
and I wake up.
That's one of my lovely terrors.
Another one Ive been having lately involves Daemyn. Not as he is now, but older.
Im in a meadow. Tall trees surround me from all sides and I only have about a 20 foot raidius of clear grass around me. I'm just standing and looking wen I see a small boy. He's about 10 years old. He comes up to me and stands directly infront if me. He looks up at me and his hazel eyes are void of anything. After a while he sys, "Do you love m , Sirius? Am I still your pup?"
"Yes, of course! You were the best thing that ever happened to us. You helped fix me when j was broke."
"I am happiness. Why are....?"
"what?"
"Why don't you....?" I can't hear the rest of what he says.
I don't give an answer. Behind me a hear the rumble of falling rocks and the creaking of wood, when I look back, I see there is a statue of a girl. It's so tall and it towers over me.
Daemyn says, "Even stone can break."
and the statue crumbles down. The Earth starts shaking. Panicing, I turn to him. We har to leave here, but when I go grab his hand I can't reach. Never reach. The trees are moving in. The Earth is shaking. The world starts to come apart. I look over at the head of the statue lying around me and thin streams of water are pouring from the eyes. I look back at Daemyn, but he begins to turn into sand and is blowing with the wind and then I fall.
.... Hmmmm. Not entirely sure what I'm trying to do here.... Gwen said that I should try writing the nightmares down... It's helped before, but I haven't written them down in so long and it feels strange to.
But I am sure they are adding to my stress. Sure I've had night terrors for as long as I can remember, ones about losing family, Kory dying, messed up hallways, but they still get to me. Sometimes I feel crazy, as though I just want to scream and break everything I touch. Like I want to destroy things. But once again, part of me won't let that happen. The "what will it solve?" part. Can I get rid of it? Can I cut it out like a cancer and sell it on the black Market?
I feel messed up, like a puzzle that was dropped on the floor. A bit useless, like a chess set with 31 missing pieces. A bit incomplete. A bit lost. And a whole lot of fucking crazy.
In the past two weeks, I have had about 21 hours of solid sleep.
Fourteen nights. Eight hours of sleep recomended a night. That means I should be getting about 112 hours of sleep in that time frame.
So far, I've been tossing, turning, sitting up, reading, scratching, thinking. Tearing myself apart.
My brain is all over..
I need sleep but I'm terrified of it.
Thanks for Reading.
...and a ridiculous amount of sleep deprived spelling errors that ipod spell check fucking fails at fixing. One more thing to add to my disgust. Fuck. And with that said...
Hello readers. How have you all been? Good and well I do hope. Experiencing great things. Having good laughs.
To be honest, I haven't had many good laughs. No playful giggles or true smiles, but what I have had are nightmares, sickness and a deep loathing towards humanity.
Life this week had been uneventful, stressful, depressing and all around, a disgusting waste of time.
Usually after a week of this, people cry. They yell, they find anyway to let go so that they can feel better.
I used to fit in there. I don't now. Am I strange? Why should I cry and get overly angry? After tears are shed and my voice is raw, it's just all going to happen all over again. No matter what I do, I will have the world that disgusts me thrown in my face. Over and over.
So what's the point.
I see things differently, it's what I've always done. It's who I am. And the side ling glances from co workers and the snide remarks may start to et to me but they will change nothing. It's what I am, get the fuck used to it. Don't judge me.
But, then again, it's human nature to judge or fear what we don't understand. I make perfect sense to myself, but to others, I make about as much sense as a sea nymph high on acid.
Can't they try? Can't their first glances be void of all judgement?
When first meet someone, I give them a few chances. First chance, I carry no emotion towards them. Why should I? I don't know them. And as those chances go by, one by one, I start to develop an opinion of them.
That's one way I work. That the "social" me. That's the part of me that comes out when I WANT to try, usually used for co workers, friends of friends... Ya know. Other than that, I don't care either way. No good or bad. Just nothing. I don't know you. Nor do I care.
I'm strange.
Humans are disgusting.
So maybe now it's time to tell you all about one nightmare I keep having.
I'm in a hall. It's long, dark and smells of old wood and rotting carpet. The only light is streaming through a door that is open a crack in front of me. I walk to to the door and stop when the tips of my toes are barely in the light. When I push the door open I see there is a large room with a fire place. The fire is going but the room is still fairly dark and infront of the fire there is an old looking chair.
And sitting the chair there is a girl.
I cannot see her face.
She begins to talk to me, asking questions. Basic questions that really have no importance to anything at all. Her hands start to cover her abdomin and her questions stop. We are in silence for a while before she lifts her hands to eye level, as if she's inspecting them. She says. "look." an holds them out for me to see. I move a bit closer to her and look at her hands.
"Theres nothing there..." I say, but she doesn't lower them.
"Look. Look and see."
I look down again and this time I see that her hands are covered in blood.
When I look back up, I can see her face now. There isn't much of one though. Her eyes are gone and what looks like coagulating blood is dripping down a hollowed face and on to chapped lips.
She opens her mouth to speak. I see sharp teeth in a bed of black gums and she screams, "They never told me!"
and I wake up.
That's one of my lovely terrors.
Another one Ive been having lately involves Daemyn. Not as he is now, but older.
Im in a meadow. Tall trees surround me from all sides and I only have about a 20 foot raidius of clear grass around me. I'm just standing and looking wen I see a small boy. He's about 10 years old. He comes up to me and stands directly infront if me. He looks up at me and his hazel eyes are void of anything. After a while he sys, "Do you love m , Sirius? Am I still your pup?"
"Yes, of course! You were the best thing that ever happened to us. You helped fix me when j was broke."
"I am happiness. Why are....?"
"what?"
"Why don't you....?" I can't hear the rest of what he says.
I don't give an answer. Behind me a hear the rumble of falling rocks and the creaking of wood, when I look back, I see there is a statue of a girl. It's so tall and it towers over me.
Daemyn says, "Even stone can break."
and the statue crumbles down. The Earth starts shaking. Panicing, I turn to him. We har to leave here, but when I go grab his hand I can't reach. Never reach. The trees are moving in. The Earth is shaking. The world starts to come apart. I look over at the head of the statue lying around me and thin streams of water are pouring from the eyes. I look back at Daemyn, but he begins to turn into sand and is blowing with the wind and then I fall.
.... Hmmmm. Not entirely sure what I'm trying to do here.... Gwen said that I should try writing the nightmares down... It's helped before, but I haven't written them down in so long and it feels strange to.
But I am sure they are adding to my stress. Sure I've had night terrors for as long as I can remember, ones about losing family, Kory dying, messed up hallways, but they still get to me. Sometimes I feel crazy, as though I just want to scream and break everything I touch. Like I want to destroy things. But once again, part of me won't let that happen. The "what will it solve?" part. Can I get rid of it? Can I cut it out like a cancer and sell it on the black Market?
I feel messed up, like a puzzle that was dropped on the floor. A bit useless, like a chess set with 31 missing pieces. A bit incomplete. A bit lost. And a whole lot of fucking crazy.
In the past two weeks, I have had about 21 hours of solid sleep.
Fourteen nights. Eight hours of sleep recomended a night. That means I should be getting about 112 hours of sleep in that time frame.
So far, I've been tossing, turning, sitting up, reading, scratching, thinking. Tearing myself apart.
My brain is all over..
I need sleep but I'm terrified of it.
Thanks for Reading.
Tuesday, 19 April 2011
So, here I am once more sitting in Starbucks an hour and a half before my shift, drinking coffee, thinking and blogging. I love starting my days like this. No rush. Just time to be.
My coffee isn't all thy great today but it's something and that puts a smile on my face.
Last night, at work, I was so tired that I thought it woul be hilarious to print up a black recept about two feet long and write "hello" on it in the smallest possible printing. Then I put it in Kyles apron and laughed like a moron. As much fun as it was, I'm not really feeling down for a lack of sleep stupor today. I just feel like being on top of my game today.
The word "game" reminded me that I missed Game of Thrones and other day. I was pretty upset by it.... Sigh.
Also, I ahve noticed that a certain playlist has taken over my week. It's awesome. Good music puts me in a great mood.
Read my mind - The Killers
Hippopipolla - Sigur Ros
Nowhere with you - Jole Plaskett
Kiss the girl - The little mirmaid
Anthems for a seventeen yearold girl - BBS
O'children - Nick Cave
12:59 lullaby - Bedouin Soundclash
Adagio for Tron - Daft Punk
Space Oddity - David Bowie
And those are just a few song Rhys I haven't been able to atop listening too lately. It makes me week awesome.
Ian and I had our first arugment the other day. Nothing serious but it wad about things that needed to be sorted out. I'm 21 and he's barely 18 an a lot of the time I feel like he's focused too much on me. I guess I just think that 18 is the big "learning about yourself" age and I don't want to be in his way saying "forget about tour needs. Pay attention to me".
He told me that he understood what I was trying to say. I also voiced my concern about me taking him away from his friends. I know that Friends are rather important and his ex used to isolate him from them, or so I've heard, and I don't want that to be me. He told me that it was okay, because they like me and that it was nice to jot feel like he was dragging around a troll that everyone hated. That made me smile.
So, he's sure that having me around will help him a lot and I hope so. I hate to admit it, nut I do have a complex for fixing people. It makes me feel good.
Content sigh.
Also trying to quit smoking. I've only been smoking for a year and already I think it's time to slow it down. I usuall have about 3-4 a day but still. I I can get down to one aday or even one a week, I would be so proud of myself!
So that wraps that up. Thanks for Reading. I'm off to work now! Je ne!
Sunday, 17 April 2011
... And I'm not your "baby"....
Whyvare guys the way they are? Do they honestly think that their ridiculous pick up lines will work? Have they ever in the past?
Why can guys be such creeps?
Not to say that girls can't be creeps, but every girl I have had come up to me and try to pick me up have been really sweet about it.
Here are some famous lines I had tossed at me at work:
"so, you like games, eh? You're pretty sexy for a nerd. So you have the fcebook?"
... No word of lie... That's how it went. It ended with Nicole and I laughing in his face and telling him to have a great night.
"you're a Zelda girl!?!? That's AWESOME!" (trust me... This one started good... and then...) "here's my number.... Wanna go for drinks later?"
my answer...."uh....I'm already going for drinks with friends from here....*runs to Ian* IM GOING FOR DRINKS WITH YOU!!!!!"
... Okay, so that guy was rather sweet but then he somehow found me an added me on fb.... I don't use my real name on fb....
A few days later... His buddy came in.... And asked me out. As if it was a battle of the fittest and I was the prize.
Whut.....?
Then... There was the guy who was high as a fuxking kite looking me up and down, very interested with my upper torso, licking his lips an saying, "I'd LOVE to get to know you better..."
I think that one made me puke a bit.
After that last fail dude came in, I was rattled and my manager told me how to deal and told me that I could politely tell them off if it ever happened again. Today I had the lovely chance to do just that.
These two guys came in and where looking at some watches we sell. I came over and told them how cool them watches are and how I have one. I flashed them my wrist and a smile and they kept moving closer and closet into my virgin bubble(what I call personal space....it was invaded) and one of them leaned in real close and said, "oh that watch is pky, but I just got myself a g shock, baby, look at that baby!" and he flashed me the most disgusting looking price of shiny plastic I've ever seen. Caught between laughing and stating the hideousness of this thing the only words I could muster were, "Im NOT your baby. Feel free to look around. If you have any questions don't forget to ask." and I walked away.
What.
Why....
IM NOT YOUR FUCKING BABY!!! Slipping that word into a coversation with a woman you just met and shared maybe ten words with DOES NOT make her wet and hot or you. Or just creeps her the fuck out if it doesn't piss her off first.
So please, guys, stop it. I don't need it and I'm pretty sure other women if the world don't need it either. That is all.
Why can guys be such creeps?
Not to say that girls can't be creeps, but every girl I have had come up to me and try to pick me up have been really sweet about it.
Here are some famous lines I had tossed at me at work:
"so, you like games, eh? You're pretty sexy for a nerd. So you have the fcebook?"
... No word of lie... That's how it went. It ended with Nicole and I laughing in his face and telling him to have a great night.
"you're a Zelda girl!?!? That's AWESOME!" (trust me... This one started good... and then...) "here's my number.... Wanna go for drinks later?"
my answer...."uh....I'm already going for drinks with friends from here....*runs to Ian* IM GOING FOR DRINKS WITH YOU!!!!!"
... Okay, so that guy was rather sweet but then he somehow found me an added me on fb.... I don't use my real name on fb....
A few days later... His buddy came in.... And asked me out. As if it was a battle of the fittest and I was the prize.
Whut.....?
Then... There was the guy who was high as a fuxking kite looking me up and down, very interested with my upper torso, licking his lips an saying, "I'd LOVE to get to know you better..."
I think that one made me puke a bit.
After that last fail dude came in, I was rattled and my manager told me how to deal and told me that I could politely tell them off if it ever happened again. Today I had the lovely chance to do just that.
These two guys came in and where looking at some watches we sell. I came over and told them how cool them watches are and how I have one. I flashed them my wrist and a smile and they kept moving closer and closet into my virgin bubble(what I call personal space....it was invaded) and one of them leaned in real close and said, "oh that watch is pky, but I just got myself a g shock, baby, look at that baby!" and he flashed me the most disgusting looking price of shiny plastic I've ever seen. Caught between laughing and stating the hideousness of this thing the only words I could muster were, "Im NOT your baby. Feel free to look around. If you have any questions don't forget to ask." and I walked away.
What.
Why....
IM NOT YOUR FUCKING BABY!!! Slipping that word into a coversation with a woman you just met and shared maybe ten words with DOES NOT make her wet and hot or you. Or just creeps her the fuck out if it doesn't piss her off first.
So please, guys, stop it. I don't need it and I'm pretty sure other women if the world don't need it either. That is all.
Friday, 15 April 2011
Can you call in being "female"...?
Ya know what is AWESOME about being a woman? Many things. We get the hair, the makeup, the cutesy shoes, the jewelry, the little bags, the BIG bags, the tights, the lace bras, the cute knickers, the high heels, the boots, the nice smelling stuff, the lotion, the chocolate, the flowers, the false eyelashes, the manicures, the lippy, and pretty much everything that is fun, frilly and cute.
What we also get though are the razor burn on our legs and other sensitive areas, the mood swings and lovely pregnancy worries every now and then.
One of the most horrible things I find about birth control is also one of the most amazing things about it, and the reason I was put on it when I was fifteen. The cycling of your monthly insanity.
It cycles the period so that it WILL happen every Twenty-eight days or so, and that all fine and dandy, but if you happen to run out, or something happens and you're unable to take the daily pill for a few days, that wonderful scheduled bleeding will decide that it may want to wait a little, make you sweat and go crazy.
This is what happened to me, and holy fuck. I hated life for two days.
Stressing and stressing about the problem didn't make me feel any better because I realized that stress can also make a period run late, so I'd try to relax and be not-stressed but I'd feel it even more.
After two days of "OH MY GOD, WHERE IS THE BLOOD!?!?!?!", the moment it happened I was the happiest woman ever. Running to the loo and jumping around for about five minutes, with a ridiculous smile on my face was short lived when it dawned on me that I was wearing my cutesy knickers. At that moment, I glared down at my crotch area and said, "...Fuck off..."
So, now I'm happy that I'm bleeding, because it means that I'm not "with child" but now I have to worry about the cramps, cravings, mood swings, and most terrible.... the ruined knickers =(
Also!
The sickness that comes hand in hand with the pain. oh the PAAAAIN!!
It's on the first or second day when I just want to sit around and eat. I don't want to move.... much..... let alone go to work. Unfortunately, today, I have to go to work.
I love my job, and by love I mean, I FUCKING love my job, but right now, when I'm bleeding and in pain the last thing I want to do is have to deal with children. Children yelling. Children being spoiled. Children asking questions.
Sometimes I feel crazy.... but from what I hear, being irritable is normal during this time.... yes?
Sometimes I feel like I want to pick up said child and eat it.
Sometimes I enjoy daydreaming about punching people in the face.
.....
But I'm also hormonal and bleeding. My logic is perfect.
It's wonderful being a woman. We get all the nice things. We also get bipolar tendencies and ruined knickers. Whatever. Ya know, it sucks, but we get used to it, and some of us are lucky enough to have an amazing significant other to help us through this insane time. Sometimes they cuddle with us while we bitch and cry, and sometimes they just leave us alone when we want to be alone.
I am lucky enough to have the man who brings me chocolate and cosmo and let me whine and be angry for five days of the month without passing judgement. It is indeed wonderful.
So, now I'm off to work. Maybe if I listen to some upbeat music and have some coffee, I won't want o punch people and eat children. Maybe I can pull off "normal" today.
What we also get though are the razor burn on our legs and other sensitive areas, the mood swings and lovely pregnancy worries every now and then.
One of the most horrible things I find about birth control is also one of the most amazing things about it, and the reason I was put on it when I was fifteen. The cycling of your monthly insanity.
It cycles the period so that it WILL happen every Twenty-eight days or so, and that all fine and dandy, but if you happen to run out, or something happens and you're unable to take the daily pill for a few days, that wonderful scheduled bleeding will decide that it may want to wait a little, make you sweat and go crazy.
This is what happened to me, and holy fuck. I hated life for two days.
Stressing and stressing about the problem didn't make me feel any better because I realized that stress can also make a period run late, so I'd try to relax and be not-stressed but I'd feel it even more.
After two days of "OH MY GOD, WHERE IS THE BLOOD!?!?!?!", the moment it happened I was the happiest woman ever. Running to the loo and jumping around for about five minutes, with a ridiculous smile on my face was short lived when it dawned on me that I was wearing my cutesy knickers. At that moment, I glared down at my crotch area and said, "...Fuck off..."
So, now I'm happy that I'm bleeding, because it means that I'm not "with child" but now I have to worry about the cramps, cravings, mood swings, and most terrible.... the ruined knickers =(
Also!
The sickness that comes hand in hand with the pain. oh the PAAAAIN!!
It's on the first or second day when I just want to sit around and eat. I don't want to move.... much..... let alone go to work. Unfortunately, today, I have to go to work.
I love my job, and by love I mean, I FUCKING love my job, but right now, when I'm bleeding and in pain the last thing I want to do is have to deal with children. Children yelling. Children being spoiled. Children asking questions.
Sometimes I feel crazy.... but from what I hear, being irritable is normal during this time.... yes?
Sometimes I feel like I want to pick up said child and eat it.
Sometimes I enjoy daydreaming about punching people in the face.
.....
But I'm also hormonal and bleeding. My logic is perfect.
It's wonderful being a woman. We get all the nice things. We also get bipolar tendencies and ruined knickers. Whatever. Ya know, it sucks, but we get used to it, and some of us are lucky enough to have an amazing significant other to help us through this insane time. Sometimes they cuddle with us while we bitch and cry, and sometimes they just leave us alone when we want to be alone.
I am lucky enough to have the man who brings me chocolate and cosmo and let me whine and be angry for five days of the month without passing judgement. It is indeed wonderful.
So, now I'm off to work. Maybe if I listen to some upbeat music and have some coffee, I won't want o punch people and eat children. Maybe I can pull off "normal" today.
Tuesday, 12 April 2011
Why are you so awesome right now!!??
Hi there, life. Why are you so awesome?
Did I do something right? Am I being repaid for all the horrible shit people have put me through? Is it good karma?
I don't know. I'm not complaining. I'm just curious. It's nice. I like it =)
ON THAT NOTE! OH HAI!
So it is 11 am on Tuesday and it's the earliest I have been able to get Ian out of bed and RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT I CAN HEAR HIM ON THE PHONE SETTING UP A MEETING FOR UNI!!!!!
..... this is BIG, reader.... very big....
As I was saying, we got out of bed relatively early so that he could have ALL day to do this. And it looks like it's all working out. I'm hoping.
We went for a long, long walk last night and talked. He talked about what was on his mind and I talked about what was on mine, then I listened. I told him that we would do this together, because maybe having someone who wasn't an authority figure push him would be what he needed to get his ass moving. I'm hoping that's what he needed and I'm sure the smacking and pinching him in the arm helped.
And just now, he became frustrated because he didn't know what his major is.... It tells him on his letter. Ahhhh this is FUN! I never knew how much FUN this could be.
*shakes head*
I wonder if every new Uni student had these funny little mess ups while getting everything together. Being put on hold, growing confused at all the questions, open mouth sobbing into their tea. It's gotta me normal... right?
So now he's on hold... again.... and if nothing happens within 30 minutes, I'm dragging his ass down to the school in person. We can do this.
So I guess today is going to be a LONG day..... coffee - Triple CHECK!!!. Trance/rave music - ..... cheeeeck..? Ah yes! CHECK! and Cigarettes - Double CHECK!
I CAN DO IT!
I like to say that I live like Gerard.... I drink a lot of fucking coffee and smoke a lot of fucking cigarettes. It gets me through.
Now I'm rambling. WHAAAAAAAAAAAT.
... Ian got school stuff worked out... now we have time to do other.... stuff? Maybe I can force him to go outside again =D I like outside.
And that, my readers, was the rambling of a over caffeinated little girl..... ugh.
So onto OTHER news, Portal 2, New Doctor Who season and A Dance of Dragons.
WHO'S EXCITED FOR ANY OF THOSE!?!?
My thoughts about "A Dance of Dragons" sounds a little something like this:
"FuckdamnitgoddamnassholefuckshittingarseheadedholefuckityfuckFUCK.... About time asshole..."
Yes, I am aware of the amounts of swearing in that thought, but Seriously! Like 6 years later he's all like "Oh yes, A Dance of Dragons is coming out this summer. Now you can finally see what happens to Dany and Jon and the Whore Queen and ya know, THE IRON THRONE. Sorry about that gais."
.... to which I say..... FUCK YOUR SHIT! I EAT YOUR BABIES! OM NOM NOM NOM!!
But it has given me something to look forward to in the world of literature. I'm so sick of the teeny boper teenage vampire romance bullshit that people are calling literature these days and I know the minute I see A Dance of Dragons on the shelf, I will probably die with excitement for GOOD writing.
I am really considering going to the midnight release. I'd probably see my ex..... ... ...... WORTH IT.
That is all.
So now, Doctor Who? Yes please? Yes fucking please. I'm super excited for this but like with every new season I'm slightly annoyed too. Only because I was beat up by kids for watching Doctor Who when I was younger. Seriously, I wanted to be Ace at one point and The 5th Doctor was my boyfriend. Yeeeeah I know. I had dreams. But they were awesome.
I love how it was become more known to people and how awesome the show quality has become, but I don't like it when I encounter people who won't even consider watching the original seasons with me =(
Still, excited.
And Portal 2. Bitch is going back for her fucking cake. GLaDOS is still a hoe. End of story.
FUN!
So now, my ranting has pretty much come to an end... I can hear Beatles in the kitchen, and my coffee is running low. I've been here for so long, I feel bad.
Maybe I go now.
Ja ne.
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