Oh you...

Dear Star Wars;
It has been far too long since you were last present in my life and that is something that needs to be changed. You first wooed me at the tender age of four with the chicken walkers (AT ST, stfu, they will always be 'chicken walkers' to me) an I would be so excited to see them stomping through the forest like no bodies business. It was love at first watch.
Then, many years later, duringing a wonderful time of my life, you came back to me with a beautiful Scotish face and my first MAN crush (as in, he had hair where the other boys didn't) and once more, my heart was pulled. Kid Ani made me want to kill babies though... Just FYI. Also introduced was the lovely face of the beautiful Jewish child Queen. Ahhhh Natalie Portman is indeed a lovely lady(Black Swan, anyone?)

And years later, during the most AMAZING time of my childhood, you came back. Just like boomerang!! With you, you brought the familiar loves of my life and an extra sexy man(like, Haru sexy... So sexy) and it made my heart soar.
Combined with The Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter and Moulin Rouge, you helped make my world. The beautiful settings, the flowing gowns, curly hair and romantic picnics accompanied by angelic harps and violins. The love of Ani and Padme was so sickening, how could you expect a 12 yearold heart to hate it? So perfect yet..... SO WRONG(dramatic face) it was impossible for me to keep away! You ensnared me, you crafty thing!! Oh, how my heart pounds just thinking of it. *instert content sigh here*

Then.... Something happened.... Something horrible.. and it changed me for life because me eyes had seen things.... Things of terrible script and This....

"Anakin... You're breaking my heart!" (must be said in whinny voice)
and all I could say to that, my love, was "Oh my God, what is it and why?!"
WHY, MY LOVE, WHHHHHHHHHHY!!!!!!????!!?!?!?????!!!?

From this

"ahhhhh, decent romance...."

to this horrible excuse for

angst...

it hurt me so, but I am willing to put that mistake in the past, I'm willing I let it go and and I think it's time you came home. I think it's time for you to come back into my life and nestle deep within my heart, take me back to my childhood.... Because I miss you.... So much... so come home, you and all the episodes (except Episode 3) we will sit together and I will watch you play lovely stories for me on someones television. I will be happy and my soul complete.
We shall be together again.
I eagerly await your reply...

Much love,
Athina.

Where is my mind..

It's been raining. A lot. I love it. 

Last night, I took off for a "short" walk, but it wasn't very short at all. I just kept going and going, with no idea of where I was heading. I found a park and sat of the swings for a while, thinking it would probably help me calm down, it didn't. =/

So, I moved over to the slide and sat on top of it.  I tried meditating, and it worked. For the first time in months I was able to relax and just be. I was able to think and listen and feel. Then something dawned on me.

This past monday was the one year anniversary of my Grandmothers death.

I didn't take a minute to stop and think about her, because I didn't have a minute to spare. Does that make me a horrible person?

I couldn't find a moment in my life to spare for a thought of her until a day after. Maybe I'm over reacting about it, but it still bothered me some.

While meditating,I thought hard of things that used to relax me. Thought about my old house and the rain. I loved that house. 

I loved the way I could sit on the stoop and write while the rain fell. The way the earth and wet pollen smelled as it soaked up the moisture. The way the spider lilies and pansies looked in the morning sun and how the robins would sing. Even the spiders that would weave their intricate webs in between and dowels of the stair railing. 

I miss the sound of the rain. Most of all. I can't hear it in the apartment. All I hear coming through my open window now are the drunken shouts of the night life, the traffic and the trains.

The trains have almost become soothing for me, but nothing beats the rain. I can't smell it either.

Can't feel it. It's like it's no longer there when I am. It's there then it's gone the moment I there.

I try to hear it and feel it. I leave my window open all the time with false hopes that maybe I won't miss it. Sometimes, if I know there is going to be rain, I'll lay on my bed and wait for it, but still, nothing really happens. 

It's very strange that something so small and silly can effect me so much. I miss it, so much. It makes me so sad. Like I don't belong. Why can't it rain all the time? Why can't there always be water everywhere?

That would make me very happy, but for now, I'll just close my eyes and listening to everything and hear nothing. 

Meditating makes everything and anything seem real.

Another random thought, I can't decide which I like more, the sound of rain or the sound of his breathing.

Spring is an odd time.

And the tired mind says...

TRA LA LA!

Indeed, this is a tired mind.  (T-T) Do not want!

So! The past few days have been.... days.... Life doesn't suck so much anymore and it's raining A LOT! OH BOY!
.... it makes me happy. Another thing that makes me happy is this...
My mum is not anywhere near me at the moment, in fact, she's about 4 hours away from me and that made me a little sad on mother's day, but, I did get to spend it with Ian and his family and it made me very happy (^w^)
We had dinner on Sunday evening and then again on Monday.. it was Chinese.. it was wonderful.

It's nice dating someone who has a mother who is nice to me. Is that odd?
Huh, no idea.
BUT I LIKE IT!
Thanks Sue *chuuu*

Also, did you know that freight trains have bells? I didn't. I nearly had a fit. T'was odd.....
... Ding ding. Ding ding.

Spending time with Sue has made me miss my mum... I hope she isn't lonely with Daddy gone... =/
I guess she's fine with like 20 cats and 4 horses around.
.... Crazy lady <3

And ya know what reader, I'm going to peace off now. My heart isn't in this and I'm hella beat.
Hahaha,
Imma let you go but first just let me say, that looking at pictures of ugly people makes me happy a little bit.
Muahahahahaha
.... oh noes.... Ian has found me.... I'M DOOOOOOOMED! SAVE ME READER!!! ARRRRRRUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHA!
..
...... G'night.

Yameru

..... Hajimeru.

Just under a year ago, my grandmother died. It's one of those days, ya know, the ones you can never forget. I remember crying so hard for about five minutes and Alyshia holding me against the baby bump. Nothing was said, but them again, I don't think much can be said at a moment like that.
The strange thing was, after crying the first time, I didn't cry at all.
It was like after that five minutes, I wasn't allowed to show any sign of weakness or emotion.
I smiled. Only smile. I was so comforted by Tyler and Alyshia, and I wanted I be able to do that for myself. So when Tony died, I was there, the way they were, but when Quentin died, I couldn't.
It was strange. I always think I'm stronger than I really am.

I took down the shrine, because I was so sure that it ha been long enough. It's okay, the pain is gone, ya know. Then I came home from a shit shift today, restless and angry at everything and myself, and when I looked over and didn't see the familiar set up, I felt myself crack.

Yameru!

It's stilly To be upset over suck a trivial thing, isn't is?

Hajimeru.

It is. But it's then I realized that, I wasn't ready. Seeing the ahrine everyday was inerhin that always calmed me and I didn't even really realize it.

I remember a few weeks after she dies, I was on the porch, thinking, smoking and texting Tyler when a thought came into my mind. What if one day, I just forgot about her? Suddenly, the afterlife didn't seem enough if when I got there, I didn't remember her or anyone else I had lost.

It was that night that I set up the shrine and started to kneel everyday and talk to her. It felt silly at first but I felt like I still had something there. I don't know...

Everyone has pain in their lives, hardships, I guess. Lost a lot. Some have messed up family situations. Parents that don't parent. Parents that over parent. Drug addictions. Things like that. I'm lucky enough to say that I've never really had any of those. Parents and I had our rough points but they always came threw. Addictions weren't anything too life threatening, but I have lost a lot. I've had freinds murdered, family die, people leave and it's hurts.

I guess that's why simple things like photographs and traditional Shinto shrines mean so much to me. I don't want to lose what little I still have.

I still have pictures of Anzai that he sent me and I still look at them and tear up. I'll still get misty when I hear songs that Ziggy and I used to sing in the park. That was over ten years ago.
Am I actually bringing myself down by trying to keep their memories alive? Is this good for me?
Sometimes I have nightmares that I'm losing family or Hachi dies. When I wake up, I think about what I'd do if I did lose Hachi or Kory. I don't want to think about it, but I do.
What memories would I keep for them?
Sometimes, I think about things I may have dine to upset the peole I've lost. Sometimes I'll feel like the most horrible human for no reason and I feel like I did some wring towards them.
Again, I dint know. Remember that "crying" I mentioned a few posts ago? An how it'll just happen after a shitty week or in my case past few months? I hate to say it, but this is it. All triggered because our store doesn't accept American money and grandma Suzzie's shrine wasn't there anymore.


Hai.
Iie.
...nani?
Wakarimasen!!
Mou ichido ette, kudosai...
Watashi wa samui
Juubun! Watashi wa tsukaremashita.
Owari

Are you fake...?

I'm pleased to say that I'm not.
And when I say fake, I don't mean with orange tans, wearing shorts with uggs and all that jazz, I'm talking about the girls (and guys) that used to beat on me when  I was younger.

First three years of primary school, I didn't have many friends, and this is why, I liked Doctor Who and Star Trek and video games and allllll that jazz.

Year after year I was picked on, yelled at, hit, and just brought down by people and their negativity, all because of what I liked compared too what they liked. And I'm sorry, but when you have to put up with that shit from the tender age of 6, a grudge is formed and it kinda sticks with you, ya know?
The strange thing is that the grudge isn't against the fact that these people bullied me for YEARS because of this, it's against the face the 6-10 years later, they all of a sudden are Doctor fans and they can't get enough of taking picture of them in red shirts to post on their Facebook in the typical "emo stance".

That is what pisses me off the most.

I also do get a kick out of it, though. I love looking at people like this and slipping in lines like, "Kirk needs a shirt to rip..", "Quick, get a "Red Shirt" down there.." or "Would you like a Jelly Baby...?" Because they are the first ones to look at me with a stupid face and say "....What?"
...it's even better when I see them at a convention and I pull that.
OH YAH!

I like to make them look stupid when  I can, whatever, it's mean I guess, but so is slamming a girls head into a wall or pushing her over whilst saying, "You're so dumb, Athina.
You'll never have any friends."

And heres something else, they were one the ones who seek me out to have "nerd outs"
Wait, what?
Is it just mean, or does that make NO sense whatsoever?

These people make me sick and sometimes I wish they would get hit by a car or run over by an ox on fire or something along those lines.

I'm proud to say that I was beat on for liking what I do and not stepping down from it. I'm proud to be called the "Zelda Master" and to have a ridiculous nic-name like "Poe-Ghost". I'm proud to say that Tom Baker will always have a place higher in my heart than Tennant, because it's what made me into what I am today, and I love saying "Athina cast Esuna. All abnormal status' restored to normal" and having my other friends say, "Wow, you're a nerd."

I'm please to say that I'm not fake.... I'm me <3

Here is a Mirror

Behind there is a screen.

...and a ridiculous amount of sleep deprived spelling errors that ipod spell check fucking fails at fixing. One more thing to add to my disgust. Fuck. And with that said...

Hello readers. How have you all been? Good and well I do hope. Experiencing great things. Having good laughs.
To be honest, I haven't had many good laughs. No playful giggles or true smiles, but what I have had are nightmares, sickness and a deep loathing towards humanity.
Life this week had been uneventful, stressful, depressing and all around, a disgusting waste of time.
Usually after a week of this, people cry. They yell, they find anyway to let go so that they can feel better.
I used to fit in there. I don't now. Am I strange? Why should I cry and get overly angry? After tears are shed and my voice is raw, it's just all going to happen all over again. No matter what I do, I will have the world that disgusts me thrown in my face. Over and over.
So what's the point.

I see things differently, it's what I've always done. It's who I am. And the side ling glances from co workers and the snide remarks may start to et to me but they will change nothing. It's what I am, get the fuck used to it. Don't judge me.
But, then again, it's human nature to judge or fear what we don't understand. I make perfect sense to myself, but to others, I make about as much sense as a sea nymph high on acid.
Can't they try? Can't their first glances be void of all judgement? 
When first meet someone, I give them a few chances. First chance, I carry no emotion towards them. Why should I? I don't know them. And as those chances go by, one by one, I start to develop an opinion of them.
That's one way I work. That the "social" me. That's the part of me that comes out when I WANT to try, usually used for co workers, friends of friends... Ya know. Other than that, I don't care either way. No good or bad. Just nothing. I don't know you. Nor do I care.

I'm strange.

Humans are disgusting. 


So maybe now it's time to tell you all about one nightmare I keep having.

I'm in a hall. It's long, dark and smells of old wood and rotting carpet. The only light is streaming through a door that is open a crack in front of me. I walk to to the door and stop when the tips of my toes are barely in the light. When I push the door open I see there is a large room with a fire place. The fire is going but the room is still fairly dark and infront of the fire there is an old looking chair.
And sitting the chair there is a girl.
I cannot see her face.
She begins to talk to me, asking questions. Basic questions that really have no importance to anything at all. Her hands start to cover her abdomin and her questions stop. We are in silence for a while before she lifts her hands to eye level, as if she's inspecting them. She says. "look." an holds them out for me to see. I move a bit closer to her and look at her hands. 
"Theres nothing there..." I say, but she doesn't lower them.
"Look. Look and see." 
I look down again and this time I see that her hands are covered in blood.
When I look back up, I can see her face now. There isn't much of one though. Her eyes are gone and what looks like coagulating blood is dripping down a hollowed face and on to chapped lips.
She opens her mouth to speak. I see sharp teeth in a bed of black gums and she screams, "They never told me!"

and I wake up.

That's one of my lovely terrors.

Another one Ive been having lately involves Daemyn. Not as he is now, but older.
Im in a meadow. Tall trees surround me from all sides and I only have about a 20 foot raidius of clear grass around me. I'm just standing and looking wen I see a small boy. He's about 10 years old. He comes up to me and stands directly infront if me. He looks up at me and his hazel eyes are void of anything. After a while he sys, "Do you love m , Sirius? Am I still your pup?" 
"Yes, of course! You were the best thing that ever happened to us. You helped fix me when j was broke."
"I am happiness. Why are....?"
"what?"
"Why don't you....?" I can't hear the rest of what he says.
I don't give an answer. Behind me a hear the rumble of falling rocks and the creaking of wood, when I look back, I see there is a statue of a girl. It's so tall and it towers over me. 
Daemyn says, "Even stone can break."
and the statue crumbles down. The Earth starts shaking. Panicing, I turn to him. We har to leave here, but when I go grab his hand I can't reach. Never reach. The trees are moving in. The Earth is shaking. The world starts to come apart. I look over at the head of the statue lying around me and thin streams of water are pouring from the eyes. I look back at Daemyn, but he begins to turn into sand and is blowing with the wind and then I fall.


.... Hmmmm. Not entirely sure what I'm trying to do here.... Gwen said that I should try writing the nightmares down... It's helped before, but I haven't written them down in so long and it feels strange to.

But I am sure they are adding to my stress. Sure I've had night terrors for as long as I can remember, ones about losing family, Kory dying, messed up hallways, but they still get to me. Sometimes I feel crazy, as though I just want to scream and break everything I touch. Like I want to destroy things. But once again, part of me won't let that happen. The "what will it solve?" part. Can I get rid of it? Can I cut it out like a cancer and sell it on the black Market?

I feel messed up, like a puzzle that was dropped on the floor. A bit useless, like a chess set with 31 missing pieces. A bit incomplete. A bit lost. And a whole lot of fucking crazy.
In the past two weeks, I have had about 21 hours of solid sleep.
Fourteen nights. Eight hours of sleep recomended a night. That means I should be getting about 112 hours of sleep in that time frame.
So far, I've been tossing, turning, sitting up, reading, scratching, thinking. Tearing myself apart. 
My brain is all over..
I need sleep but I'm terrified of it.

Thanks for Reading.