Here is a Mirror

Behind there is a screen.

...and a ridiculous amount of sleep deprived spelling errors that ipod spell check fucking fails at fixing. One more thing to add to my disgust. Fuck. And with that said...

Hello readers. How have you all been? Good and well I do hope. Experiencing great things. Having good laughs.
To be honest, I haven't had many good laughs. No playful giggles or true smiles, but what I have had are nightmares, sickness and a deep loathing towards humanity.
Life this week had been uneventful, stressful, depressing and all around, a disgusting waste of time.
Usually after a week of this, people cry. They yell, they find anyway to let go so that they can feel better.
I used to fit in there. I don't now. Am I strange? Why should I cry and get overly angry? After tears are shed and my voice is raw, it's just all going to happen all over again. No matter what I do, I will have the world that disgusts me thrown in my face. Over and over.
So what's the point.

I see things differently, it's what I've always done. It's who I am. And the side ling glances from co workers and the snide remarks may start to et to me but they will change nothing. It's what I am, get the fuck used to it. Don't judge me.
But, then again, it's human nature to judge or fear what we don't understand. I make perfect sense to myself, but to others, I make about as much sense as a sea nymph high on acid.
Can't they try? Can't their first glances be void of all judgement? 
When first meet someone, I give them a few chances. First chance, I carry no emotion towards them. Why should I? I don't know them. And as those chances go by, one by one, I start to develop an opinion of them.
That's one way I work. That the "social" me. That's the part of me that comes out when I WANT to try, usually used for co workers, friends of friends... Ya know. Other than that, I don't care either way. No good or bad. Just nothing. I don't know you. Nor do I care.

I'm strange.

Humans are disgusting. 


So maybe now it's time to tell you all about one nightmare I keep having.

I'm in a hall. It's long, dark and smells of old wood and rotting carpet. The only light is streaming through a door that is open a crack in front of me. I walk to to the door and stop when the tips of my toes are barely in the light. When I push the door open I see there is a large room with a fire place. The fire is going but the room is still fairly dark and infront of the fire there is an old looking chair.
And sitting the chair there is a girl.
I cannot see her face.
She begins to talk to me, asking questions. Basic questions that really have no importance to anything at all. Her hands start to cover her abdomin and her questions stop. We are in silence for a while before she lifts her hands to eye level, as if she's inspecting them. She says. "look." an holds them out for me to see. I move a bit closer to her and look at her hands. 
"Theres nothing there..." I say, but she doesn't lower them.
"Look. Look and see." 
I look down again and this time I see that her hands are covered in blood.
When I look back up, I can see her face now. There isn't much of one though. Her eyes are gone and what looks like coagulating blood is dripping down a hollowed face and on to chapped lips.
She opens her mouth to speak. I see sharp teeth in a bed of black gums and she screams, "They never told me!"

and I wake up.

That's one of my lovely terrors.

Another one Ive been having lately involves Daemyn. Not as he is now, but older.
Im in a meadow. Tall trees surround me from all sides and I only have about a 20 foot raidius of clear grass around me. I'm just standing and looking wen I see a small boy. He's about 10 years old. He comes up to me and stands directly infront if me. He looks up at me and his hazel eyes are void of anything. After a while he sys, "Do you love m , Sirius? Am I still your pup?" 
"Yes, of course! You were the best thing that ever happened to us. You helped fix me when j was broke."
"I am happiness. Why are....?"
"what?"
"Why don't you....?" I can't hear the rest of what he says.
I don't give an answer. Behind me a hear the rumble of falling rocks and the creaking of wood, when I look back, I see there is a statue of a girl. It's so tall and it towers over me. 
Daemyn says, "Even stone can break."
and the statue crumbles down. The Earth starts shaking. Panicing, I turn to him. We har to leave here, but when I go grab his hand I can't reach. Never reach. The trees are moving in. The Earth is shaking. The world starts to come apart. I look over at the head of the statue lying around me and thin streams of water are pouring from the eyes. I look back at Daemyn, but he begins to turn into sand and is blowing with the wind and then I fall.


.... Hmmmm. Not entirely sure what I'm trying to do here.... Gwen said that I should try writing the nightmares down... It's helped before, but I haven't written them down in so long and it feels strange to.

But I am sure they are adding to my stress. Sure I've had night terrors for as long as I can remember, ones about losing family, Kory dying, messed up hallways, but they still get to me. Sometimes I feel crazy, as though I just want to scream and break everything I touch. Like I want to destroy things. But once again, part of me won't let that happen. The "what will it solve?" part. Can I get rid of it? Can I cut it out like a cancer and sell it on the black Market?

I feel messed up, like a puzzle that was dropped on the floor. A bit useless, like a chess set with 31 missing pieces. A bit incomplete. A bit lost. And a whole lot of fucking crazy.
In the past two weeks, I have had about 21 hours of solid sleep.
Fourteen nights. Eight hours of sleep recomended a night. That means I should be getting about 112 hours of sleep in that time frame.
So far, I've been tossing, turning, sitting up, reading, scratching, thinking. Tearing myself apart. 
My brain is all over..
I need sleep but I'm terrified of it.

Thanks for Reading.