Big black boots and the oddness of the penis

I'm currently sitting in a comfy chair situated in a hallway of MRU. A Tuesday night tradition. I wait for Ian, draw pictures, listen to Tunes and LOSE ALL SENSATION IN MY FEEEEEET!
I'm braking in my knee high platforms. I've only had them for about ohhhh three years... Or so... But I've never really had the time or place to properly break them in.
If Any of you readers have ever had a fresh pair if vinyl knee high platforms before, then you understand my pain. They fit perfect but they're stiffffffd. Moving my ankles in circular motions is a fucking chore and thy are begining to throb. Fuck.

But I love sexy boots. Some girls have pumps and some girls have big black boots made for kicking. Noo biggie.
Hold on... I need a moment to adjust the junk in my shoe...!
I have learned that if I hold the boot and undo the zipper for a moment, it helps. Hmmmmm
also
sink cannot breath in vinyl. Word of experience.
Laely I have been feeling a bit saucy and mynxy. Boots. Leggings. Tight lace tops. Eyeliner and painted nails. Rawr.
Still, fashion always has to hurt a bit x_x

But he doesn't have HBO!!

This has been a week full if sickies and misfortunes. It all started when I said, "I hope it's NOT something going around.." and so now begins the ramblings of a sick mind.... And I mean sick like... Sinus cold... Pain that feels like God is pressing his fingers on your cheeks and pushing whilst laughing like a maniac, not like, Human Centepede sick mind.

I got up nice and early with Ian today. I had a good sleep last night so it felt really good. I went home and he went to work. I tried to relax for a few hours before I had to go in at three. Watched some FEAR (fuck everything and run). Bitches were killed. It was good. I liked.
Used a whole box of tissue and tried my best to look good...
I get to work and they send me home. To be honey, I was glad. So glad. And since I made the trip to the mall where I work, I decided to sit down and have a tea..... That was at three..... It's five now..... I have not moved. I called my mum, so at least my "tea time" was somewhat productive to me.... But still.... Fuck. I have no energy. No appetite. Nothing but chills and pain and a longing for FEAR.

This....... Uh.. Sucks. And dear lady. Get your fucking bratty kid away from me or I'll unleash some germ warfare.... Don't test me lady.... I have a snotty sneeze ready... if he crosses No Mans Land once more...
....
You know how it'll end..

Hey reader, do you ever get th the point in your hour, day or whatever when you're listening to your iPod but you're so distracted that you have no fucking idea what you're listening to anymore? It started with your favourite song and an hour later you're like "what the fuck... When did it finish?"
that's where I am right now... Other than the starbucks in chapters.... Ian is coming to save me.. He's bringing the magic pills Gwen brought me the otherday. When I was doped on them, I apparently told Ian that "I want a kitten because Im fuzzy and kittens are kittens and we would match."

that's me, dear reader. 100% Athina right thuurrrrrrr. Fuck I need to not be in the chair anymore.... Help me Jesus!!!!


...... I wan F3AR. how does one say that..... F-three-ARrrrr....? Maybe.....? Ian is here.... He bought the Avatar the Last Airbender game

Ohai.

Just a few thoughts. I would like more metal in my face, but then again no. I want to dye my hair again and ohmigod I have to make a Harry Potter costume.
I want to see how much I can make myself look like a dude. Excited.

Also, Cars 2. Awesome. Go see it when it comes out.

Two A.M and my wisdoms are killing my face with their awesome...

So what else should I do other than blog about nothing at all? I don't mind... I hope you don't mind, reader, but I can't sleep with the throbbing and aching that feels like I've been punched in the jaw. And no, they don't have to be pulled, but they still hurt like a mother.
So... Two AM and Vivaldi in my ears.... What to write here.... How about one oftje useless things that I used to do in middle school. The random list of information about ME!!!!! just fun facts..... I'm in pain and need to be up at seven, humour me.
*sigh* here goes....

1. I once was a cheerleader. I don't speak of it.
2. I once was very flexible, then high school happened and shit changed..
3. I was quite the dancer for years.
4. I miss tomatoes....
5. I have lost a lot of friends to death. It sucks..
6. I eat a lot of ramen.... You don't even know.
7. I started collecting anime when I was five. I gained my begining stuff from my oldest brother.
8. My brother roughy me to draw.
9. My family is very important to me. I have a great connection with my parents that I worked hard to maintain.
10. I live with my brother. We are pretty stellar.
11. I can roll my Tongue into a three leaf clover.
12. I can play the flute.
13. I have size 4 1/2 - 5 feet but because we are not in Japan, I have to wear 6-7 and insoles. Do not want
14. I find odd things beautiful.
15. Spiders and bats = yes please
16. I have four tattoos and seven piercings.
17. I think stockings and boots are wondeful.
18. Ebola is great.
19. Zombie movies make me hungry.
20. I have double jointed thumbs.
21. I hate bathrooms.
22. Centepedies fuck me up
23. Avacado looks like bug guts and is nasty.
24. Unsweetened iced tea is prime.
25. I have a kitten named Optimus Prime.
26. I can't stand younger people. I just tollerate them.
27. I have a over bite.
28. Full lips are sexy lips.
29. Big thighs make me happy.
30. I have a fish named Sushi who has been my favourite since 2004
31. I kill people in my head and that's what I'm usuallydaydreaming about.
32. I have a very high tollerence to embarrassment and will do just about anyhing to get a laugh out of people.
33. I say absolutely ridiculous thing like, "I wanna kill them in the head" and "tell him to go blow a dick or something"
34. I have a horrible habbit for mishearing things.
35. My bitch mode is my defense mode. Deal.
36. I like crying. It's good for you!
37. I'm a rather sickly girl but I deal with it.
38. Needles make me sad(blood tests and shots)
40. I have nightmares often.
41. I love school.
42. I don't have a problem with authority.
43. Rain is my friend.
44. I wish to someday possess the awesome of David Bowie and get away with wearing silver leggings an have it be cool.
45. Octopus= <3 can has?
46. I live for oddities.
47. I once had a sparrow in my room. No lie.
48. I was a creepy child and I love it.
49. I collected ceramic dolls, wooden boxes that smelled of sage and music boxes. My friends
hated my room =[
50. Im not a fan of being out in the sun for too long. Rainy days and candles please.


Annnnd that is all for now folks. The advil is kicking in and I'm falling asleeeeeeeeep
ZzzzzZzzzzzzzzzz

Oh you...

Dear Star Wars;
It has been far too long since you were last present in my life and that is something that needs to be changed. You first wooed me at the tender age of four with the chicken walkers (AT ST, stfu, they will always be 'chicken walkers' to me) an I would be so excited to see them stomping through the forest like no bodies business. It was love at first watch.
Then, many years later, duringing a wonderful time of my life, you came back to me with a beautiful Scotish face and my first MAN crush (as in, he had hair where the other boys didn't) and once more, my heart was pulled. Kid Ani made me want to kill babies though... Just FYI. Also introduced was the lovely face of the beautiful Jewish child Queen. Ahhhh Natalie Portman is indeed a lovely lady(Black Swan, anyone?)

And years later, during the most AMAZING time of my childhood, you came back. Just like boomerang!! With you, you brought the familiar loves of my life and an extra sexy man(like, Haru sexy... So sexy) and it made my heart soar.
Combined with The Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter and Moulin Rouge, you helped make my world. The beautiful settings, the flowing gowns, curly hair and romantic picnics accompanied by angelic harps and violins. The love of Ani and Padme was so sickening, how could you expect a 12 yearold heart to hate it? So perfect yet..... SO WRONG(dramatic face) it was impossible for me to keep away! You ensnared me, you crafty thing!! Oh, how my heart pounds just thinking of it. *instert content sigh here*

Then.... Something happened.... Something horrible.. and it changed me for life because me eyes had seen things.... Things of terrible script and This....

"Anakin... You're breaking my heart!" (must be said in whinny voice)
and all I could say to that, my love, was "Oh my God, what is it and why?!"
WHY, MY LOVE, WHHHHHHHHHHY!!!!!!????!!?!?!?????!!!?

From this

"ahhhhh, decent romance...."

to this horrible excuse for

angst...

it hurt me so, but I am willing to put that mistake in the past, I'm willing I let it go and and I think it's time you came home. I think it's time for you to come back into my life and nestle deep within my heart, take me back to my childhood.... Because I miss you.... So much... so come home, you and all the episodes (except Episode 3) we will sit together and I will watch you play lovely stories for me on someones television. I will be happy and my soul complete.
We shall be together again.
I eagerly await your reply...

Much love,
Athina.

Where is my mind..

It's been raining. A lot. I love it. 

Last night, I took off for a "short" walk, but it wasn't very short at all. I just kept going and going, with no idea of where I was heading. I found a park and sat of the swings for a while, thinking it would probably help me calm down, it didn't. =/

So, I moved over to the slide and sat on top of it.  I tried meditating, and it worked. For the first time in months I was able to relax and just be. I was able to think and listen and feel. Then something dawned on me.

This past monday was the one year anniversary of my Grandmothers death.

I didn't take a minute to stop and think about her, because I didn't have a minute to spare. Does that make me a horrible person?

I couldn't find a moment in my life to spare for a thought of her until a day after. Maybe I'm over reacting about it, but it still bothered me some.

While meditating,I thought hard of things that used to relax me. Thought about my old house and the rain. I loved that house. 

I loved the way I could sit on the stoop and write while the rain fell. The way the earth and wet pollen smelled as it soaked up the moisture. The way the spider lilies and pansies looked in the morning sun and how the robins would sing. Even the spiders that would weave their intricate webs in between and dowels of the stair railing. 

I miss the sound of the rain. Most of all. I can't hear it in the apartment. All I hear coming through my open window now are the drunken shouts of the night life, the traffic and the trains.

The trains have almost become soothing for me, but nothing beats the rain. I can't smell it either.

Can't feel it. It's like it's no longer there when I am. It's there then it's gone the moment I there.

I try to hear it and feel it. I leave my window open all the time with false hopes that maybe I won't miss it. Sometimes, if I know there is going to be rain, I'll lay on my bed and wait for it, but still, nothing really happens. 

It's very strange that something so small and silly can effect me so much. I miss it, so much. It makes me so sad. Like I don't belong. Why can't it rain all the time? Why can't there always be water everywhere?

That would make me very happy, but for now, I'll just close my eyes and listening to everything and hear nothing. 

Meditating makes everything and anything seem real.

Another random thought, I can't decide which I like more, the sound of rain or the sound of his breathing.

Spring is an odd time.

And the tired mind says...

TRA LA LA!

Indeed, this is a tired mind.  (T-T) Do not want!

So! The past few days have been.... days.... Life doesn't suck so much anymore and it's raining A LOT! OH BOY!
.... it makes me happy. Another thing that makes me happy is this...
My mum is not anywhere near me at the moment, in fact, she's about 4 hours away from me and that made me a little sad on mother's day, but, I did get to spend it with Ian and his family and it made me very happy (^w^)
We had dinner on Sunday evening and then again on Monday.. it was Chinese.. it was wonderful.

It's nice dating someone who has a mother who is nice to me. Is that odd?
Huh, no idea.
BUT I LIKE IT!
Thanks Sue *chuuu*

Also, did you know that freight trains have bells? I didn't. I nearly had a fit. T'was odd.....
... Ding ding. Ding ding.

Spending time with Sue has made me miss my mum... I hope she isn't lonely with Daddy gone... =/
I guess she's fine with like 20 cats and 4 horses around.
.... Crazy lady <3

And ya know what reader, I'm going to peace off now. My heart isn't in this and I'm hella beat.
Hahaha,
Imma let you go but first just let me say, that looking at pictures of ugly people makes me happy a little bit.
Muahahahahaha
.... oh noes.... Ian has found me.... I'M DOOOOOOOMED! SAVE ME READER!!! ARRRRRRUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHA!
..
...... G'night.

Yameru

..... Hajimeru.

Just under a year ago, my grandmother died. It's one of those days, ya know, the ones you can never forget. I remember crying so hard for about five minutes and Alyshia holding me against the baby bump. Nothing was said, but them again, I don't think much can be said at a moment like that.
The strange thing was, after crying the first time, I didn't cry at all.
It was like after that five minutes, I wasn't allowed to show any sign of weakness or emotion.
I smiled. Only smile. I was so comforted by Tyler and Alyshia, and I wanted I be able to do that for myself. So when Tony died, I was there, the way they were, but when Quentin died, I couldn't.
It was strange. I always think I'm stronger than I really am.

I took down the shrine, because I was so sure that it ha been long enough. It's okay, the pain is gone, ya know. Then I came home from a shit shift today, restless and angry at everything and myself, and when I looked over and didn't see the familiar set up, I felt myself crack.

Yameru!

It's stilly To be upset over suck a trivial thing, isn't is?

Hajimeru.

It is. But it's then I realized that, I wasn't ready. Seeing the ahrine everyday was inerhin that always calmed me and I didn't even really realize it.

I remember a few weeks after she dies, I was on the porch, thinking, smoking and texting Tyler when a thought came into my mind. What if one day, I just forgot about her? Suddenly, the afterlife didn't seem enough if when I got there, I didn't remember her or anyone else I had lost.

It was that night that I set up the shrine and started to kneel everyday and talk to her. It felt silly at first but I felt like I still had something there. I don't know...

Everyone has pain in their lives, hardships, I guess. Lost a lot. Some have messed up family situations. Parents that don't parent. Parents that over parent. Drug addictions. Things like that. I'm lucky enough to say that I've never really had any of those. Parents and I had our rough points but they always came threw. Addictions weren't anything too life threatening, but I have lost a lot. I've had freinds murdered, family die, people leave and it's hurts.

I guess that's why simple things like photographs and traditional Shinto shrines mean so much to me. I don't want to lose what little I still have.

I still have pictures of Anzai that he sent me and I still look at them and tear up. I'll still get misty when I hear songs that Ziggy and I used to sing in the park. That was over ten years ago.
Am I actually bringing myself down by trying to keep their memories alive? Is this good for me?
Sometimes I have nightmares that I'm losing family or Hachi dies. When I wake up, I think about what I'd do if I did lose Hachi or Kory. I don't want to think about it, but I do.
What memories would I keep for them?
Sometimes, I think about things I may have dine to upset the peole I've lost. Sometimes I'll feel like the most horrible human for no reason and I feel like I did some wring towards them.
Again, I dint know. Remember that "crying" I mentioned a few posts ago? An how it'll just happen after a shitty week or in my case past few months? I hate to say it, but this is it. All triggered because our store doesn't accept American money and grandma Suzzie's shrine wasn't there anymore.


Hai.
Iie.
...nani?
Wakarimasen!!
Mou ichido ette, kudosai...
Watashi wa samui
Juubun! Watashi wa tsukaremashita.
Owari

Are you fake...?

I'm pleased to say that I'm not.
And when I say fake, I don't mean with orange tans, wearing shorts with uggs and all that jazz, I'm talking about the girls (and guys) that used to beat on me when  I was younger.

First three years of primary school, I didn't have many friends, and this is why, I liked Doctor Who and Star Trek and video games and allllll that jazz.

Year after year I was picked on, yelled at, hit, and just brought down by people and their negativity, all because of what I liked compared too what they liked. And I'm sorry, but when you have to put up with that shit from the tender age of 6, a grudge is formed and it kinda sticks with you, ya know?
The strange thing is that the grudge isn't against the fact that these people bullied me for YEARS because of this, it's against the face the 6-10 years later, they all of a sudden are Doctor fans and they can't get enough of taking picture of them in red shirts to post on their Facebook in the typical "emo stance".

That is what pisses me off the most.

I also do get a kick out of it, though. I love looking at people like this and slipping in lines like, "Kirk needs a shirt to rip..", "Quick, get a "Red Shirt" down there.." or "Would you like a Jelly Baby...?" Because they are the first ones to look at me with a stupid face and say "....What?"
...it's even better when I see them at a convention and I pull that.
OH YAH!

I like to make them look stupid when  I can, whatever, it's mean I guess, but so is slamming a girls head into a wall or pushing her over whilst saying, "You're so dumb, Athina.
You'll never have any friends."

And heres something else, they were one the ones who seek me out to have "nerd outs"
Wait, what?
Is it just mean, or does that make NO sense whatsoever?

These people make me sick and sometimes I wish they would get hit by a car or run over by an ox on fire or something along those lines.

I'm proud to say that I was beat on for liking what I do and not stepping down from it. I'm proud to be called the "Zelda Master" and to have a ridiculous nic-name like "Poe-Ghost". I'm proud to say that Tom Baker will always have a place higher in my heart than Tennant, because it's what made me into what I am today, and I love saying "Athina cast Esuna. All abnormal status' restored to normal" and having my other friends say, "Wow, you're a nerd."

I'm please to say that I'm not fake.... I'm me <3

Here is a Mirror

Behind there is a screen.

...and a ridiculous amount of sleep deprived spelling errors that ipod spell check fucking fails at fixing. One more thing to add to my disgust. Fuck. And with that said...

Hello readers. How have you all been? Good and well I do hope. Experiencing great things. Having good laughs.
To be honest, I haven't had many good laughs. No playful giggles or true smiles, but what I have had are nightmares, sickness and a deep loathing towards humanity.
Life this week had been uneventful, stressful, depressing and all around, a disgusting waste of time.
Usually after a week of this, people cry. They yell, they find anyway to let go so that they can feel better.
I used to fit in there. I don't now. Am I strange? Why should I cry and get overly angry? After tears are shed and my voice is raw, it's just all going to happen all over again. No matter what I do, I will have the world that disgusts me thrown in my face. Over and over.
So what's the point.

I see things differently, it's what I've always done. It's who I am. And the side ling glances from co workers and the snide remarks may start to et to me but they will change nothing. It's what I am, get the fuck used to it. Don't judge me.
But, then again, it's human nature to judge or fear what we don't understand. I make perfect sense to myself, but to others, I make about as much sense as a sea nymph high on acid.
Can't they try? Can't their first glances be void of all judgement? 
When first meet someone, I give them a few chances. First chance, I carry no emotion towards them. Why should I? I don't know them. And as those chances go by, one by one, I start to develop an opinion of them.
That's one way I work. That the "social" me. That's the part of me that comes out when I WANT to try, usually used for co workers, friends of friends... Ya know. Other than that, I don't care either way. No good or bad. Just nothing. I don't know you. Nor do I care.

I'm strange.

Humans are disgusting. 


So maybe now it's time to tell you all about one nightmare I keep having.

I'm in a hall. It's long, dark and smells of old wood and rotting carpet. The only light is streaming through a door that is open a crack in front of me. I walk to to the door and stop when the tips of my toes are barely in the light. When I push the door open I see there is a large room with a fire place. The fire is going but the room is still fairly dark and infront of the fire there is an old looking chair.
And sitting the chair there is a girl.
I cannot see her face.
She begins to talk to me, asking questions. Basic questions that really have no importance to anything at all. Her hands start to cover her abdomin and her questions stop. We are in silence for a while before she lifts her hands to eye level, as if she's inspecting them. She says. "look." an holds them out for me to see. I move a bit closer to her and look at her hands. 
"Theres nothing there..." I say, but she doesn't lower them.
"Look. Look and see." 
I look down again and this time I see that her hands are covered in blood.
When I look back up, I can see her face now. There isn't much of one though. Her eyes are gone and what looks like coagulating blood is dripping down a hollowed face and on to chapped lips.
She opens her mouth to speak. I see sharp teeth in a bed of black gums and she screams, "They never told me!"

and I wake up.

That's one of my lovely terrors.

Another one Ive been having lately involves Daemyn. Not as he is now, but older.
Im in a meadow. Tall trees surround me from all sides and I only have about a 20 foot raidius of clear grass around me. I'm just standing and looking wen I see a small boy. He's about 10 years old. He comes up to me and stands directly infront if me. He looks up at me and his hazel eyes are void of anything. After a while he sys, "Do you love m , Sirius? Am I still your pup?" 
"Yes, of course! You were the best thing that ever happened to us. You helped fix me when j was broke."
"I am happiness. Why are....?"
"what?"
"Why don't you....?" I can't hear the rest of what he says.
I don't give an answer. Behind me a hear the rumble of falling rocks and the creaking of wood, when I look back, I see there is a statue of a girl. It's so tall and it towers over me. 
Daemyn says, "Even stone can break."
and the statue crumbles down. The Earth starts shaking. Panicing, I turn to him. We har to leave here, but when I go grab his hand I can't reach. Never reach. The trees are moving in. The Earth is shaking. The world starts to come apart. I look over at the head of the statue lying around me and thin streams of water are pouring from the eyes. I look back at Daemyn, but he begins to turn into sand and is blowing with the wind and then I fall.


.... Hmmmm. Not entirely sure what I'm trying to do here.... Gwen said that I should try writing the nightmares down... It's helped before, but I haven't written them down in so long and it feels strange to.

But I am sure they are adding to my stress. Sure I've had night terrors for as long as I can remember, ones about losing family, Kory dying, messed up hallways, but they still get to me. Sometimes I feel crazy, as though I just want to scream and break everything I touch. Like I want to destroy things. But once again, part of me won't let that happen. The "what will it solve?" part. Can I get rid of it? Can I cut it out like a cancer and sell it on the black Market?

I feel messed up, like a puzzle that was dropped on the floor. A bit useless, like a chess set with 31 missing pieces. A bit incomplete. A bit lost. And a whole lot of fucking crazy.
In the past two weeks, I have had about 21 hours of solid sleep.
Fourteen nights. Eight hours of sleep recomended a night. That means I should be getting about 112 hours of sleep in that time frame.
So far, I've been tossing, turning, sitting up, reading, scratching, thinking. Tearing myself apart. 
My brain is all over..
I need sleep but I'm terrified of it.

Thanks for Reading.

So, here I am once more sitting in Starbucks an hour and a half before my shift, drinking coffee, thinking and blogging. I love starting my days like this. No rush. Just time to be.
My coffee isn't all thy great today but it's something and that puts a smile on my face.
Last night, at work, I was so tired that I thought it woul be hilarious to print up a black recept about two feet long and write "hello" on it in the smallest possible printing. Then I put it in Kyles apron and laughed like a moron. As much fun as it was, I'm not really feeling down for a lack of sleep stupor today. I just feel like being on top of my game today.

The word "game" reminded me that I missed Game of Thrones and other day. I was pretty upset by it.... Sigh.

Also, I ahve noticed that a certain playlist has taken over my week. It's awesome. Good music puts me in a great mood.
Read my mind - The Killers
Hippopipolla - Sigur Ros
Nowhere with you - Jole Plaskett
Kiss the girl - The little mirmaid
Anthems for a seventeen yearold girl - BBS
O'children - Nick Cave
12:59 lullaby - Bedouin Soundclash
Adagio for Tron - Daft Punk
Space Oddity - David Bowie

And those are just a few song Rhys I haven't been able to atop listening too lately. It makes me week awesome.

Ian and I had our first arugment the other day. Nothing serious but it wad about things that needed to be sorted out. I'm 21 and he's barely 18 an a lot of the time I feel like he's focused too much on me. I guess I just think that 18 is the big "learning about yourself" age and I don't want to be in his way saying "forget about tour needs. Pay attention to me".
He told me that he understood what I was trying to say. I also voiced my concern about me taking him away from his friends. I know that Friends are rather important and his ex used to isolate him from them, or so I've heard, and I don't want that to be me. He told me that it was okay, because they like me and that it was nice to jot feel like he was dragging around a troll that everyone hated. That made me smile.
So, he's sure that having me around will help him a lot and I hope so. I hate to admit it, nut I do have a complex for fixing people. It makes me feel good.
Content sigh.

Also trying to quit smoking. I've only been smoking for a year and already I think it's time to slow it down. I usuall have about 3-4 a day but still. I I can get down to one aday or even one a week, I would be so proud of myself!

So that wraps that up. Thanks for Reading. I'm off to work now! Je ne!

... And I'm not your "baby"....

Whyvare guys the way they are? Do they honestly think that their ridiculous pick up lines will work? Have they ever in the past?
Why can guys be such creeps?
Not to say that girls can't be creeps, but every girl I have had come up to me and try to pick me up have been really sweet about it.
Here are some famous lines I had tossed at me at work:
"so, you like games, eh? You're pretty sexy for a nerd. So you have the fcebook?"
... No word of lie... That's how it went. It ended with Nicole and I laughing in his face and telling him to have a great night.
"you're a Zelda girl!?!? That's AWESOME!" (trust me... This one started good... and then...) "here's my number.... Wanna go for drinks later?"
my answer...."uh....I'm already going for drinks with friends from here....*runs to Ian* IM GOING FOR DRINKS WITH YOU!!!!!"
... Okay, so that guy was rather sweet but then he somehow found me an added me on fb.... I don't use my real name on fb....
A few days later... His buddy came in.... And asked me out. As if it was a battle of the fittest and I was the prize.
Whut.....?
Then... There was the guy who was high as a fuxking kite looking me up and down, very interested with my upper torso, licking his lips an saying, "I'd LOVE to get to know you better..."
I think that one made me puke a bit.

After that last fail dude came in, I was rattled and my manager told me how to deal and told me that I could politely tell them off if it ever happened again. Today I had the lovely chance to do just that.
These two guys came in and where looking at some watches we sell. I came over and told them how cool them watches are and how I have one. I flashed them my wrist and a smile and they kept moving closer and closet into my virgin bubble(what I call personal space....it was invaded) and one of them leaned in real close and said, "oh that watch is pky, but I just got myself a g shock, baby, look at that baby!" and he flashed me the most disgusting looking price of shiny plastic I've ever seen. Caught between laughing and stating the hideousness of this thing the only words I could muster were, "Im NOT your baby. Feel free to look around. If you have any questions don't forget to ask." and I walked away.

What.
Why....
IM NOT YOUR FUCKING BABY!!! Slipping that word into a coversation with a woman you just met and shared maybe ten words with DOES NOT make her wet and hot or you. Or just creeps her the fuck out if it doesn't piss her off first.

So please, guys, stop it. I don't need it and I'm pretty sure other women if the world don't need it either. That is all.

Can you call in being "female"...?

Ya know what is AWESOME about being a woman? Many things. We get the hair, the makeup, the cutesy shoes, the jewelry, the little bags, the BIG bags, the tights, the lace bras, the cute knickers, the high heels, the boots, the nice smelling stuff, the lotion, the chocolate, the flowers, the false eyelashes, the manicures,  the lippy, and pretty much everything that is fun, frilly and cute.
What we also get though are the razor burn on our legs and other sensitive areas, the mood swings and lovely pregnancy worries every now and then.
One of the most horrible things I find about birth control is also one of the most amazing things about it, and the reason I was put on it when I was fifteen. The cycling of your monthly insanity.
It cycles the period so that it WILL happen every Twenty-eight days or so, and that all fine and dandy, but if you happen to run out, or something happens and you're unable to take the daily pill for a few days, that wonderful scheduled bleeding will decide that it may want to wait a little, make you sweat and go crazy.
This is what happened to me, and holy fuck. I hated life for two days.
Stressing and stressing about the problem didn't make me feel any better because I realized that stress can also make a period run late, so I'd try to relax and be not-stressed but I'd feel it even more.
After two days of "OH MY GOD, WHERE IS THE BLOOD!?!?!?!", the moment it happened I was the happiest woman ever. Running to the loo and jumping around for about five minutes, with a ridiculous smile on my face was short lived when it dawned on me that I was wearing my cutesy knickers. At that moment, I glared down at my crotch area and said, "...Fuck off..."
So, now I'm happy that I'm bleeding, because it means that I'm not "with child" but now I have to worry about the cramps, cravings, mood swings, and most terrible.... the ruined knickers =(
Also!
The sickness that comes hand in hand with the pain. oh the PAAAAIN!!
It's on the first or second day when I just want to sit around and eat. I don't want to move.... much..... let alone go to work. Unfortunately, today, I have to go to work.
I love my job, and by love I mean, I FUCKING love my job, but right now, when I'm bleeding and in pain the last thing I want to do is have to deal with children. Children yelling. Children being spoiled. Children asking questions.
Sometimes I feel crazy.... but from what I hear, being irritable is normal during this time.... yes?
Sometimes I feel like I want to pick up said child and eat it.
Sometimes I enjoy daydreaming about punching people in the face.
.....
But I'm also hormonal and bleeding. My logic is perfect.


It's wonderful being a woman. We get all the nice things. We also get bipolar tendencies and ruined knickers. Whatever. Ya know, it sucks, but we get used to it, and some of us are lucky enough to have an amazing significant other to help us through this insane time. Sometimes they cuddle with us while we bitch and cry, and sometimes they just leave us alone when we want to be alone.
I am lucky enough to have the man who brings me chocolate and cosmo and let me whine and be angry for five days of the month without passing judgement. It is indeed wonderful.


So, now I'm off to work. Maybe if I listen to some upbeat music and have some coffee, I won't want o punch people and eat children. Maybe I can pull off "normal" today.

Why are you so awesome right now!!??

Hi there, life. Why are you so awesome?
Did I do something right? Am I being repaid for all the horrible shit people have put me through? Is it good karma?
I don't know. I'm not complaining. I'm just curious. It's nice. I like it =)

ON THAT NOTE! OH HAI!

So it is 11 am on Tuesday and it's the earliest I have been able to get Ian out of bed and RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT I CAN HEAR HIM ON THE PHONE SETTING UP A MEETING FOR UNI!!!!!

..... this is BIG, reader.... very big....

As I was saying, we got out of bed relatively early so that he could have ALL day to do this. And it looks like it's all working out. I'm hoping.
We went for a long, long walk last night and talked. He talked about what was on his mind and I talked about what was on mine, then I listened. I told him that we would do this together, because maybe having someone who wasn't an authority figure push him would be what he needed to get his ass moving. I'm hoping that's what he needed and I'm sure the smacking and pinching him in the arm helped.
And just now, he became frustrated because he didn't know what his major is.... It tells him on his letter. Ahhhh this is FUN! I never knew how much FUN this could be.
*shakes head*
I wonder if every new Uni student had these funny little mess ups while getting everything together.  Being put on hold, growing confused at all the questions, open mouth sobbing into their tea. It's gotta me normal... right?

So now he's on hold... again.... and if nothing happens within 30 minutes, I'm dragging his ass down to the school in person. We can do this.

So I guess today is going to be a LONG day..... coffee - Triple CHECK!!!. Trance/rave music - ..... cheeeeck..? Ah yes! CHECK! and Cigarettes - Double CHECK!
I CAN DO IT!

I like to say that I live like Gerard.... I drink a lot of fucking coffee and smoke a lot of fucking cigarettes. It gets me through.

Now I'm rambling. WHAAAAAAAAAAAT.
... Ian got school stuff worked out... now we have time to do other.... stuff? Maybe I can force him to go outside again =D I like outside.

And that, my readers, was the rambling of a over caffeinated  little girl..... ugh.


So onto OTHER news, Portal 2, New Doctor Who season and A Dance of Dragons.
WHO'S EXCITED FOR ANY OF THOSE!?!?

My thoughts about "A Dance of Dragons" sounds a little something like this:
"FuckdamnitgoddamnassholefuckshittingarseheadedholefuckityfuckFUCK.... About time asshole..."
Yes, I am aware of the amounts of swearing in that thought, but Seriously! Like 6 years later he's all like "Oh yes, A Dance of Dragons is coming out this summer. Now you can finally see what happens to Dany and Jon and the Whore Queen and ya know, THE IRON THRONE. Sorry about that gais."
.... to which I say..... FUCK YOUR SHIT! I EAT YOUR BABIES! OM NOM NOM NOM!!

But it has given me something to look forward to in the world of literature. I'm so sick of the teeny boper teenage vampire romance bullshit that people are calling literature these days and I know the minute I see  A Dance of Dragons on the shelf, I will probably die with excitement for GOOD writing.
I am really considering going to the midnight release. I'd probably see my ex..... ... ...... WORTH IT.
That is all.


So now, Doctor Who? Yes please? Yes fucking please. I'm super excited for this but like with every new season I'm slightly annoyed too. Only because I was beat up by kids for watching Doctor Who when I was younger. Seriously, I wanted to be Ace at one point and The 5th Doctor was my boyfriend. Yeeeeah I know. I had dreams. But they were awesome.
I love how it was become more known to people and how awesome the show quality has become, but I don't like it when I encounter people who won't even consider watching the original seasons with me =(
Still, excited.

And Portal 2. Bitch is going back for her fucking cake. GLaDOS is still a hoe. End of story.
FUN!


So now, my ranting has pretty much come to an end... I can hear Beatles in the kitchen, and my coffee is running low. I've been here for so long, I feel bad.
Maybe I go now.

Ja ne.

It was beautiful outside today. Warm but not too hot, cool but not too cool and Graham and I actually hung out. Just him and me. We walked and talked and talked and walked. I smoked cigarettes and he told me I smoke a lot.
The boy is complex. He has a lot to him, just like his brother and just like his brother, he keeps a lot to himself. We have known each other for just over three months now and his is he first time he's really opened up to me.
It was nice.

So we walked and walked and walked until we found a path leading tithe river. It was steep and muddy and did we venture down that steep and muddy path? Yeah we did. Would you ever think we'd do anything else? Pffft.

So, after the muddy slide down the path, we found our place along the ice. Throwing rocks happened. Laughter happened. Building a makeshift bench out of a door happened. And surprisingly, I remembered what it is I like to do. I don't like shopping(..just a bit) or hanging out at a mall. I like walking, good conversation, cigarettes and good times. Pretty muh, just doing "nothing". Graham and I sat and talked for hours about everyhing an anything and I realised that I really missed doing things like that. Sure hanging out with people is awesome and it's great but it alway ends in "wanna go to the pub?" or "let's go chill at sk and so's place!" which, sometimes, I just don't want to do. Today was pretty much my perfect day. Hanging out with an awesome dude, just talking, looking out at the frozen river and making awesome plans. The only things that could have made it better were: coffee in my hand(to go with my cigarettes of course), art stuff and my camera. But now I know for next time.

Ya know, if someone were to come up to me when I was 18 or so and ask if I imagined myself doing something like this in the future I'd say hell no, because I'd would still be with Matt and if I were still with him now, my sense of selfworth would probably be destroyed and therefore I would be doing nothing unless he told me too... Ugh whatever! Shitty relationships are shitty. I may actually write about that later.

Who knew that this is where I would end up? Feeling loved by my significant other and his family? It's something I have never felt so in a way, I'm still getting used to it. It's a nice feeling.

I think I've needed something like this for a while. A healthy relationship. Shhh it is great. And now, I'm doing this while Ian is playing Twilight Princess. It's chill. I'm down. Also he kinda sucks but maybe that's just because I'm the Zelda master. Who knows.

So, I bid farewell for now reader. I am done.


Also, the weather is getting better. So is my life...? Such a good way to start off spring

so there I was, standing in a sea of sweaty bodies gazing up at the man that is my God. I couldn't breathe and panicing, I tore my eyes away from him. When I loopked back at him, he was smiling. At me. It was the fifth time that night an it was then I knew, I was done.

Three hours prior, Hachi and I walked into Mac Hall and we saw them. The fans. The hardcore fan. The old school fans. The teeny boppers wearin their partypoison masks and talking about how long they've loved the band (even though they were about six when Three Cheers came out... At least they're trying, I guess.)
I was so happy to be there. Surrounded by people 20 and older who share the same love for My Chem as Hachi and I do. There was no judging, just young adult spending time together.

When the first opening band came on, Hachi, Chantel and some newly made friends stood beside me and we watched with aching hearts as the band butchered our ear with their bad singing, the unskilled guitar player and the horrible Kanas themed songs. I died a bit.

So, when Neon Trees came on stage. It was aomethig new. Something fun. And the lead singing scared Hachi( honestly, she thinks he's going to tear out her heart and eat it). All and all, a decent band to watch. The vocalist kept the energy alive, jumping around like a moron always makes the audiance happy. And being tres good looking really helps. I enjoyed.

Then. It was time for My Chemical Romance. The band that I have loved since the tender age of fourteen before Gerard became recognized for his bullet proff vest and his red eye shadow. Before emo ever became a phase.
And there he was. My hero just standing there in the shirt that looked like it was a last minute purchase from stitches, with is big ellis six on the left breast. It was a ridiculous shirt. So very ricidulous. Honestly.
Enough about the shirt.
...but seriously, it was really bad.

BUT! There he was. Red hair. Dark eyes. Hideous shirt. And he was beautiful. Youthful and full of energy. This was my fiest time ever seeing my hero in person.
I just stood there, unmoving, watching him and thats when I noticed his face, looking out at all the fans, dying for him to just glance in heir general direction ad for a moment, my hero looked over whelmed and maybe even a bit nervous. I just stood there, silentlypleading that he will see me. But I didn't jump. Didn't yell or scream. Then he looked down and right at me. The girl with the steampunk goggles, in the sea of scene kids. He didn't look away, he just kept staring until the rift for Na Na Na started to fill the hall.
He smiled at me then, and he no longer looked nervous. He looked excited, pumped and ready to go.
So he started to sing. He kepted looking down at the girl with the goggles and smiling. I lasted about four songs and then they pulled me out and as they did so, he smiled at me again and in my stupor, I waved as security place my feet back on the floor (unfortunately, two of he security guards didn't realize I was having a panic attack and I was marked or surfing. They were corrected though and sat me with he paramedic for a while before she told me to go have a cigarette and some water.

After twenty minutes or so I was sitting outside with three othergirls, joking about sex, music and Gerard Butler and it settled in. My night was perfect. I saw him. He saw me. Then I swooned. In my head of course.
It made me laugh and the rest if the night was made.

Saw some people I didn't need o see but I didn't care, because they were talking about how they wanted to see Gerard and I got to see him. He saw me too. And I also saw him sneak out behind Mikey. It was a beautiful.

A beautiful night and I thank Hachi for it. I finally got the chance to see my hero. His energy, his excitment. When I see myself singing on stage, it's him that I want to be. He is everything I want to be.

Maiden Voyage

Open your eyes. What do you see? Listen carefully. What do you hear?
I hear a harmonious chorus sounding all around me. I blink and I'm standing in a field, surounded by flowers. Golden yellow, so beautiful that the sun would feel envious of their warm radiating colour. The air smells sweet. It smells of new hope, new beginings and flowers. It's perfect.

A wind picks up. I feel it pass through the fabric of my clothing, cool and embracing. Standing on my toes, I'm desperate to feel more. It feels like the sky. I reah my hands up, up, up. I want to go up. I want to be on the sky.
I close my eyes.
And when I open them, I see and endless horizon before me. I feel the hardness of a wooden deck below my feet. I hear the wind blowing in the canvas sails. The propellors cutting through the clouds. The smell of the clockworks grinding and the steam rising. I am in the sky.
When I look down at my attire, I see a uniform. I see a pistol and boots. I'm ready to go.
No, wait. Something is missing. My eyes search but I cannot figure it out. Then it clicks.
"Where is my sister? I do not see her and I cannot leave without her."
there are foot steps and I turn.
She is here. She is with me, smiling at me with her laughing eyes. She is here. Everything is going to be okay.
I rush to her. I grab her hand. I tell her we have to go now, it's time for an adventure and I want her to be with me. I look at her face, but her eyes are no longer laughing. Her face has fallen.
What is wrong?
Have I done something wrong?
"I cannot come with you, pushka."
did I do something bad?
"You have to go on your own now."
What is she saying?
I try to reason. To make her see.
"You have always been here."
She turns.
What is she walking away from me?
I scream. She stops. It always works.
She's looking at me once more.
"This is not my adventure. I used to be here, but no more. I have been with you, bur I haven't been here for a very long time."
she points to the horizon. To the end of the world.
"Im there. I will always be there," she says, "and this is your start. Your maiden voyage. One day you will make it there. Live here an meet me there."
"How do I know that you will be there?"
"Every night, when the dark is just starting to fall, I will set out a light for you and it will burn until the sun breaks the night with her face. It will be the first light you see in the night an the last ad it's just for you. Now go."
she pushes me and I begin to fall back.

A land. The hard deck cracks my back uncomfortably.
"You okay there, short stack?"
The captain is looking at me and it is dark. The sun is going to sleep and the purple sky is turning indigo.
Then I see it.
On the horizon. A bright star begins to shine and I feel myself being pulled towards it.
"The evening star is out. You like stars? Just like your sister."
I look at him and say, "That is Susan. She has lighten a light, letting me know she is there and when I'm done here, I too will be there."
laughter fills my ears. Not hard or cutting but warm and comforting.
"Quite an imagination on you, Claire, just like Susan. I can believe it's been ten years since she went down with her ship. How old are you now? Feels like I have known you forever"
A smile crawls onto my face. Pain grips my heart. Tears fill my eyes. I do not look away from the light and an answer slips past my lips.

"Sixteen and this is my maiden voyage"

And at about midday...

It's about midday for me now and after a shower and some food in my system, I find myself a little easier to talk to and be around. Now I'm sitting once more, next to the young man , watching and listening To him play Arkham. My mood is better, my hair is clean and I have not had a cigarette craving in a while. I'm feeling pretty glorious.
And now I'm thinking about how down I have been lately. Thinking too much about what wrong I feel like I have done somehow, but I think I'm over it for now. I have a roof over my head, a caring lover and a most wonderful job. I'm also thinking about something I heard.
You thought you were so mature, didn't you? Thinking that you were so much better because you knew what you wanted for yourself. From what I hear, you have no freaking idea do you? You're just a lost, scared, messed up little girl with too many problems to count.
And with that out, I had a thought. I have to work tonight. It's Monday and as strange as it
sounds, I love Mondays. It's a new week full of the most hilarious, ridiculous bullshit ever.
From customers telling their other girl friends that "like, oh my god. This is totally a real street in London." to which I reply, "actually, It's Diagon Alley". and then they look at me
as if I'm god(I should keep convincing people that Diagon Alley IS a real street in
London...located on the dogdey end. Oh the fun I would have),to the crazy shinangans and
tomfoolery that my coworkers and I comebup with, Mondays are always super fun for me. It is
exciting and silly but I enjoy them.
So, to let everyone into my work day, I have decided to blog every monday about the insanity
that I encounter every day of every week. I hope you are prepared, reader. This will get rather ridiculous.

Over come your obsticles and defend yourself.

The chronicles of a day: the first feeling of the morning.

So tired. Sitting with legs crossed, listening but not quite hearing.
The kettle is boiling. The radio as ambiant. The morning is taking action around me. It's still befor noon, that Still makes it morning, right?
Whatever. Doesn't matter much. Don't care much for the technicalities.
The younge man sits beside me, munching away on some toast and jam whilst he is engrossed in the paper. He doesn't pay me much attention now and I'm alright with that. Morning is not the time to be demanding attention from others. It's the time of waking up. I know that I have no care about anyone other than myself in the morning. I thinknof nothing other than my own comfort, getting my own food, my own tea. I couldn't care less about some one sitting next to me, because in the morning, those first fifteen to thirty minutes of the day are for me. Does that make me a horrible person? Let me wake up for a bit before I start asking questions.

And Snow Scenes.

This is new. A new take on an old habit.  It feels like a taste of what once was a favourite flavour, turned slightly sour. My nose crinkles. My eyes narrow, but still, I decide to do this. Blogging. I wonder how long I can keep it going. How long will I care about it? Who knows. That's the exciting part. Just starting something new, not giving a thought about any of the questions that pass through my mind.
It won't be like my past blogs of "Woe is me", "My life is irritating.", or "My ex is a douche and I want to beat him whilst wearing a popsicle outfit and yelling 'POPSICLE STANDS DO EXIST, YOU ASS!'". It will have all kinds of things. Big or small. Interesting or pointless. If I have something to blog about, you, dear reader, will probably hear all about it. Whether is be my latest rant about my bleeding vagina or a recent "Awwwwwe" moment witnessed between lovers.
It is a way to pass the time when I don't have much to do, I'm hoping that you enjoy what I put into this silly creation. Seriously, who invented blogging? Should we hate them, or love them for giving us all a slightly gratifying way of wasting our time?