Yameru

..... Hajimeru.

Just under a year ago, my grandmother died. It's one of those days, ya know, the ones you can never forget. I remember crying so hard for about five minutes and Alyshia holding me against the baby bump. Nothing was said, but them again, I don't think much can be said at a moment like that.
The strange thing was, after crying the first time, I didn't cry at all.
It was like after that five minutes, I wasn't allowed to show any sign of weakness or emotion.
I smiled. Only smile. I was so comforted by Tyler and Alyshia, and I wanted I be able to do that for myself. So when Tony died, I was there, the way they were, but when Quentin died, I couldn't.
It was strange. I always think I'm stronger than I really am.

I took down the shrine, because I was so sure that it ha been long enough. It's okay, the pain is gone, ya know. Then I came home from a shit shift today, restless and angry at everything and myself, and when I looked over and didn't see the familiar set up, I felt myself crack.

Yameru!

It's stilly To be upset over suck a trivial thing, isn't is?

Hajimeru.

It is. But it's then I realized that, I wasn't ready. Seeing the ahrine everyday was inerhin that always calmed me and I didn't even really realize it.

I remember a few weeks after she dies, I was on the porch, thinking, smoking and texting Tyler when a thought came into my mind. What if one day, I just forgot about her? Suddenly, the afterlife didn't seem enough if when I got there, I didn't remember her or anyone else I had lost.

It was that night that I set up the shrine and started to kneel everyday and talk to her. It felt silly at first but I felt like I still had something there. I don't know...

Everyone has pain in their lives, hardships, I guess. Lost a lot. Some have messed up family situations. Parents that don't parent. Parents that over parent. Drug addictions. Things like that. I'm lucky enough to say that I've never really had any of those. Parents and I had our rough points but they always came threw. Addictions weren't anything too life threatening, but I have lost a lot. I've had freinds murdered, family die, people leave and it's hurts.

I guess that's why simple things like photographs and traditional Shinto shrines mean so much to me. I don't want to lose what little I still have.

I still have pictures of Anzai that he sent me and I still look at them and tear up. I'll still get misty when I hear songs that Ziggy and I used to sing in the park. That was over ten years ago.
Am I actually bringing myself down by trying to keep their memories alive? Is this good for me?
Sometimes I have nightmares that I'm losing family or Hachi dies. When I wake up, I think about what I'd do if I did lose Hachi or Kory. I don't want to think about it, but I do.
What memories would I keep for them?
Sometimes, I think about things I may have dine to upset the peole I've lost. Sometimes I'll feel like the most horrible human for no reason and I feel like I did some wring towards them.
Again, I dint know. Remember that "crying" I mentioned a few posts ago? An how it'll just happen after a shitty week or in my case past few months? I hate to say it, but this is it. All triggered because our store doesn't accept American money and grandma Suzzie's shrine wasn't there anymore.


Hai.
Iie.
...nani?
Wakarimasen!!
Mou ichido ette, kudosai...
Watashi wa samui
Juubun! Watashi wa tsukaremashita.
Owari