Where is my mind..

It's been raining. A lot. I love it. 

Last night, I took off for a "short" walk, but it wasn't very short at all. I just kept going and going, with no idea of where I was heading. I found a park and sat of the swings for a while, thinking it would probably help me calm down, it didn't. =/

So, I moved over to the slide and sat on top of it.  I tried meditating, and it worked. For the first time in months I was able to relax and just be. I was able to think and listen and feel. Then something dawned on me.

This past monday was the one year anniversary of my Grandmothers death.

I didn't take a minute to stop and think about her, because I didn't have a minute to spare. Does that make me a horrible person?

I couldn't find a moment in my life to spare for a thought of her until a day after. Maybe I'm over reacting about it, but it still bothered me some.

While meditating,I thought hard of things that used to relax me. Thought about my old house and the rain. I loved that house. 

I loved the way I could sit on the stoop and write while the rain fell. The way the earth and wet pollen smelled as it soaked up the moisture. The way the spider lilies and pansies looked in the morning sun and how the robins would sing. Even the spiders that would weave their intricate webs in between and dowels of the stair railing. 

I miss the sound of the rain. Most of all. I can't hear it in the apartment. All I hear coming through my open window now are the drunken shouts of the night life, the traffic and the trains.

The trains have almost become soothing for me, but nothing beats the rain. I can't smell it either.

Can't feel it. It's like it's no longer there when I am. It's there then it's gone the moment I there.

I try to hear it and feel it. I leave my window open all the time with false hopes that maybe I won't miss it. Sometimes, if I know there is going to be rain, I'll lay on my bed and wait for it, but still, nothing really happens. 

It's very strange that something so small and silly can effect me so much. I miss it, so much. It makes me so sad. Like I don't belong. Why can't it rain all the time? Why can't there always be water everywhere?

That would make me very happy, but for now, I'll just close my eyes and listening to everything and hear nothing. 

Meditating makes everything and anything seem real.

Another random thought, I can't decide which I like more, the sound of rain or the sound of his breathing.

Spring is an odd time.